


I Won't Send Roses

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, M/M, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-04
Updated: 2004-05-04
Packaged: 2018-12-27 08:55:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 26,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12077799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Sometimes to get to where you need to be you need to start from the beginning.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin had no idea how long he had been standing at the window before Ethan got impatient and came over to him. Time had ceased to matter to Justin the moment he turned his back on the man he loved, and now he had a sinking suspicion that life was going to pass by very slowly from now on. He no longer looked forward to it. Justin had been looking out the window, though not seeing anything, for some time as he tried to figure out where everything had gone wrong. His relationship with Brian had never been easy, but he couldn’t remember exactly when it had gone from difficult to unbearable. Had there been a specific incident that lead to their downfall, or was it more gradual? Justin’s thoughts were all swirled together, making it impossible for him to think clearly. Only one thing seemed sure, as difficult as it was to live with Brian sometimes, it was going to be even harder to live without him, not that he had much of a choice. He had seen to that by walking out the door of Babylon with another man.

“Are you planning on standing there all night my love?” Ethan asked, placing a hand on Justin’s shoulder.

“Hmm? Um, no, of course not.” Justin had forgotten that there was anyone else in the room.

“You look tired.”

“I am.” Justin replied, becoming aware for the first time how tired he actually was.

“Then come to bed, let me make you feel all better.” Ethan said seductively, placing a hand on Justin’s cheek. Justin did his best not to flinch outwardly, but the gesture suddenly made him sick.

“I’ll feel better once I get some sleep.” Justin said, subtly trying to put Ethan off for a while.

“But first I need to make sure that you’re nice and relaxed.” Ethan said, putting his arms around the blonde and guiding him in the direction of the bed. Obviously he didn’t get the hint.

“I have a headache.” Justin tried next.

“What are you, a woman?” the musician laughed as he began kissing Justin’s neck. “Let’s get into bed.”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“Come on baby, I know you want to.”

“I mean it Ethan!”

“Don’t play hard to get.”

“I said no!” Justin was able to get free at last.

“Why are you in such a mood my love?”

“I told you I wasn’t in the mood, and stop calling me that.”

“I realize that you’re stressed out right now, but there’s no need to take it out on me.”

You’re the one that’s causing my stress right now!” Justin cried, getting frustrated. “I can’t do this.”

“Fine, I get it. You’re tired. So go to sleep. We can always do this tomorrow.”

“No, I mean I can’t do this at all.”

“What are you saying Justin?”

“I think you understand what I mean.”

“You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?”

“I can’t be in a relationship right now. My life is too complicated. I need to concentrate on getting everything figured out.”

“This is about him, isn’t it? This is about Brian.” Ethan said bitterly.

“Of course this is about Brian. How could it not be? I just left the man I’ve been in love with for the last two years. You can’t expect me to forget that in an instant.”

“But he treated you badly. You’ve stood right there and told me about all the ways he hurt you.” Ethan argued.

“I know, but it’s a lot more complicated than that.”

“Do you still love him?”

“I will always love him.”

“Then why did you leave?”

“Because sometimes love isn’t enough.”

“I don’t understand Justin. You walked out. I was there, I saw it. You walked out with me. That had to mean something.”

“You’re right, I walked out, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love him or that I’m ready for something new.”

“You used me to get back at him. Is that all I am to you?”

“Look, I’ve been an asshole, I know that, but I never meant to hurt you. Things got out of control and I didn’t know where to stop, and I’m sorry for that.”

“Are you going back to him now?”

“No Ethan. I need some time to myself. I need to figure out what I want. I need things to make sense again.”

“So this is it?”

“That is entirely up to you Ethan. I know that you’re not going to like hearing this, but I really would like to have you as a friend.”

“That I can’t do Justin. I want you as my lover, my muse, not my friend.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“But before you go, just think about it for a minute. Maybe you’ll realize that you should stay, but it has to be all or nothing.”

“I don’t need a minute. If those are the choices, I pick nothing.”

“Goodbye Justin.”

“Goodbye Ethan.” And for the second time that night, Justin walked away. He found that the second time was easier, and if he was becoming hardened to love. There was a chance that Brian was right about love being bullshit.

And so he left and began to wander through the quiet streets of Pittsburgh. He suddenly found himself without a home, without a boyfriend, and with many friendships in serious jeopardy, but despite all of that, Justin felt relieved because he had a feeling that the worst was over. He didn’t think he could go much further down. The unthinkable had happened, he and Brian were over, and he had lived, and he would continue living.


	2. I Won't Send Roses

Once the initial shock of Justin’s sudden and surprising departure from the party started to sink in, everyone’s attention turned to Brian to see how he was handling everything. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that his way of “handling it” was to grab the nearest guy and pretend that nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but his friends thought that an event of this magnitude might even effect the unshakeable Brian Kinney. But Brian had a reputation that he had worked long and hard to create, and he wasn’t about to let some blonde twink destroy that, even though the departure of that very same twink was killing him inside. It was a shame that they didn’t give out Oscars for that sort of thing, because to the untrained eye, nothing was out of the ordinary. His friends, on the other hand, were more inclined to give him the “full of shit award” as they weren’t fooled by a routine they had all seen before.

At about three in the morning, Michael decided that Brian had partied enough for one night, and it was time to rake him home. Standing on a catwalk, Michael scanned the dance floor in search of his best friend. He spotted him at last, dragging yet another guy towards the backroom. Such had been the pattern of the evening: drugs, booze, boys, more drugs, more booze, another boy. At least you couldn’t accuse him of being inconsistent. Michael decided to stop the cycle of self destruction, and so he descended the steps to the dance floor in time to intercept his friend before he reached his destination.

“I’m taking you home.” Michael yelled, trying to be heard above the noise of the club.

“But Mikey, the party’s just starting.”

“Or just ending. Come on, we’re leaving.”

“You never want to have any fun. Go find the professor and dance for a while.”

“Ben went home and it’s time for you to do the same.”

“But I can’t just leave our guest.” Brian said, gesturing to the trick who was starting to get impatient with the delay. “That wouldn’t be very nice.”

“Tough shit. We’re leaving.” Michael grabbed his best friend’s arm and started pulling him towards the exit. The man’s senses were so overloaded by all the drugs and alcohol in his system that he didn’t give too much resistance.

In fact, by the time they were out of the club on the way back to the jeep, Brian was in fine spirits. Michael had a difficult time getting him into the car, but eventually this task was accomplished and they were on their way back to the loft.

During the short drive, Brian became very quiet, and at first Michael thought that maybe he had passed out, but glancing over his shoulder he saw his friend staring out the window with a glazed over expression. When they reached their destination, Brian got out of the car and headed to the building without so much as a glance to see if his companion was still following him. Michael had to run to catch up. They rode the elevator in silence. Michael wanted to say something, but he had no idea how to get through to the block of ice standing next to him. Not too surprisingly, the first thing Brian did when they entered the loft was to pour himself a large drink.

“Are you sure that’s such a good idea?” Michael asked, crossing his arms in disapproval.

“Yes!” was the monosyllabic reply.

“I think you’ve had more than enough for one night.”

“I’ve told you before, there’s no such thing as enough.”

“Let me help you into bed.” Michael switched topics, sensing he was fighting a losing battle.

“I don’t need your help Michael.”

“You’re a drunken mess . . .”

“I said I don’t need your help.” Brian interrupted. “So just go away.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. I’m thirty one goddamn years old. I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah, you’re really proving that right now.” Michael snapped back.

“Fuck off!”

“Why are you doing this Brian?”

“Doing what?”

“Why won’t you talk to me? I’m your best friend for fucks sake.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Don’t give me that routine. I’ve known you for way too long to buy it.”

“There’s no routine.”

“Bullshit! Justin left you Brian. He walked out on you.” Michael was livid.

“I’m aware, I was there.”

“Then how can you say there’s nothing to talk about?”

“Because there isn’t. He wanted to leave, so he did, end of story. There were never any locks on our door. It doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well believe what you want, but I don’t need your help and I don’t need your advice. You’re not my mother and you’re not my father, so leave me alone.”

“Is that all you have to say?” Michael asked trying to get through to his friend one more time.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Ok, fine.” Michael could see that Brian was in extremely stubborn mode and any further pressure would only lead to trouble. “I’m going home. Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, whatever.” replied Brian. He didn’t turn at all as Michael walked out the door.

When he heard the rumble of the door being shut he allowed his shoulders to sag slightly. He was alone again in his cold, sterile loft. He couldn’t remember the last time it had been so silent. The only sound was the grating tick of the second hand of the clock in the kitchen. Brian looked around, trying to get used to the idea that from then on the loft was only his. There was no longer anyone to hold him back. There were no longer any rules. He could fuck whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and as many times as he wanted without having to worry about curfews or no kissing rules. Somehow that freedom didn’t seem as appealing as it once would have, not that Brian was going to let anyone in on that fact. Casting one more glance around the room, he wanted to cry. But Brian Kinney didn’t do that, so instead he gave into anger. Brian picked up his glass and hurled it against the wall, talking a grim pleasure at the sound of the shattering glass. Then he went to bed in the hope of shutting out the world.


	3. I Won't Send Roses

Justin woke up the next morning in a very bad mood. He was cold, he was sore, and just in case that wasn’t enough, Debbie was standing over him with her arms crossed and a dour expression on her face. Justin began to reevaluate his decision to sleep on her porch for the night, although it was a little late for that.

“Jesus Sunshine! Don’t you ever scare me like that again. I come out to get the paper and I find this.”

“I’m sorry Deb. I just didn’t know where else to go.”

“You’re damn right you’re sorry. Do you know what could have happened to you? Now get your bubble butt inside.” Debbie commanded.

Justin rose slowly, as his legs had gone numb following his long night on the hard porch, and he more or less hobbled into the house where he collapsed on the sofa, already worn out by the effort. He felt like he could go to sleep and stay that way for years. However, Debbie had other plans for him.

“Kiddo, you look like shit.” She said, shaking her head.

“Deb, if I look half as bad as I feel I can guess that it’s pretty bad.”

“Ya got that right. Listen up, I want you to go upstairs and shower, you know where the towels are. I’m going to make you some breakfast, cause I’m willing to bet that you’re starving.”

“Thank you Debbie.”

“You’re welcome Sunshine. Now move it!”

Justin couldn’t remember the last time a shower felt quite so good. It was great to be able to feel clean again because after just one night on the street, the teen felt covered in grime and dirt. The hot water also helped relieve his aching muscles. Justin took his time because he knew what was coming once he got out. He may have been spared a lecture at first due to Debbie’s shock at seeing him in such a condition, but he knew that wasn’t a bullet he could dodge for long. Still, he had to get out eventually. Knowing Debbie she would probably barge right in and start lecturing him then and there if he took too long, so finally Justin gave up and stepped out of the shower. He didn’t want to wear the same clothes he had on before, but he had nothing else with him, so groaning he put his clothes on then headed downstairs to face the music. Just as he sat down at the kitchen table, Debbie placed a plate piled high in front of him.

“Eat!” she commanded, then sat down at the table as well with her cup of coffee. Justin picked up his fork wearily, for once in his life not hungry. “So, do you want to tell me why you spent the night on my front porch?”

“I didn’t know where else to go.”

“I gathered as much, but I need more details.”

“Last night after I . . . after I left, I went back to Ethan’s and I told him I couldn’t see him anymore. So now I don’t have him, I don’t have Brian, and that means I’m homeless.” Despite his best efforts, Justin found himself starting to tear up.

“Sunshine, it is far too early in the morning for drama princesses. That still doesn’t answer why you were on the porch. You should have come inside.”

“I didn’t want to wake you up by knocking . . .”

“Who cares about that?” interrupted Debbie “Anything could have happened to you sleeping outside.”

“. . . and I didn’t think you would want me.” Justin finished sadly. Then Debbie understood the heart of the matter.

“Justin look at me.” She waited until she had the blonde’s full attention before continuing “Did you think that we wouldn’t want to have anything to do with you after what happened?”

“Yes.” Justin said softly, looking down at his plate.

“Sweetie, you should know better that that,” Debbie reprimanded him gently “Whether or not you are with Brian, you have become a part of our crazy little family, and nothing can change that. You earned that right by being yourself not because of Brian, despite what my prize winning idiot of a son might think right now. We love you kiddo, and we kinda want to keep you around.”

“Thanks Deb.”

“That’s not to say that you didn’t fuck up,” Justin should have seen it coming “Cause I’m here to tell you that you did, and I would be pissed off at you, except I know Brian, and I know he pushed you pretty hard. You’ve both made mistakes and now it’s time for you to learn from them and move on.”

“I know Debbie, but shit, my life is so messed up right now. I don’t know what I’m going to do until I find a place, and I’m going to have to get another job so I can afford my own apartment.”

“You have enough stress without worrying about another job Sunshine.”

“But I don’t have any other choice. I can’t move back in with my mom, I just can’t. It would kill me.”

“Your mother is a lovely lady, but I have to agree with you there. But I still don’t think an extra job is in your best interests right now.”

“There’s nothing else to do.”

“You’re moving in with me.”

“What?”

“You’re moving back into your old room.”

“Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t say anything if I wasn’t sure. And by the way, I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.”

“Michael won’t like it.”

“Tough shit. He’s a grown up, allegedly, and he’ll just have to deal with it. Now say you’re moving back in and let’s be done with it.”

“Ok, I’ll move back in.” Justin said before being struck by an unpleasant thought. “Shit! I’ll have to go over to Brian’s and get my stuff.”

“I think you’ve had enough punishment for one day. So I’ll tell you what, I’ll go get your stuff while you go upstairs and get some rest. You need it, because I’m willing to bet the porch isn’t too comfortable.”

“Thank you so much. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you for everything you’ve done for me.”

“Don’t worry about it. That’s what families do.”

“Hey Deb, I . . . I love you.”

“I’m sort of fond of you too kiddo.”


	4. I Won't Send Roses

Brian woke the next morning to someone moving around in the main part of the loft. He had a splitting headache that could only be the result of some serious overindulgence on his part, and he was of the opinion that he needed someone to take care of him until he didn’t feel quite so wretched. Brian could only think of one person who was equal to the task and judging from the cold spot next to him on the bed and the noise, that person was just outside his bedroom.

“Justin, come back to bed.” Brian called out.

“Try again!” came the tart reply in a voice distinctly not Justin’s.

It was, in fact, the voice of Debbie, the voice he was least inclined to here at that particular moment and in such a condition especially considering he suddenly remembered why Justin wouldn’t be there. Very slowly, Brian opened his eyes against the excruciatingly bright light. He noticed that the previous night he had not managed to get out of his clothes and was now sprawled out on the bed fully dressed. He gingerly raised himself into a seated position and sensing that, despite how it felt, his head was very unlikely to explode, he managed to extract himself bed. Covering his sore eyes, he stepped out of the bedroom to confront Debbie.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?”

“It’s one thirty in the afternoon.”

“Oh. Well what are you doing here?”

“I came to pick up Justin’s things.”

“I see. I suppose he and the fiddle player can’t wait to start playing house in the rats nest. Be sure to send them my best wishes.” Brian found it necessary to be especially cold after being caught in a moment of weakness.

“I would, only Justin isn’t moving in with Ethan.”

“Really?” Brian did his best to sound uninterested.

“In fact, Justin doesn’t want to see Ethan at all.”

“What a pity, and just when I thought he had discovered the greatest love story the world had ever seen.”

“Do you work at it or does it come naturally?”

“What?”

“Do you work hard at being a flaming asshole or is it a skill that you were born with?” clarified Debbie. Brian was taken by surprise with the question, so he decided the safest thing to do was to change the subject.

“So why did Justin send you? Was he afraid to come himself?”

“He didn’t send me. I told him that I would do it, because you don’t need one last opportunity to mess with his head.”

“I don’t do that.”

“Right, and the pope isn’t catholic. You do it all the time. Well he’s not here, so you won’t be able to use him as your toy anymore.”

“Ah, I almost forgot, this is all my fault. That’s what you came here to tell me, right?”

“No, I know Justin made mistakes, and more importantly so does he, but you hurt him Brian. Never once did you tell him how you really felt. You made sure that he would leave. Do you have any boxes? I really need to get this done.” asked Debbie.

“Check the cabinet under the sink.” Brian replied.

“Thanks.” She moved into the living room and began putting Justin’s sketch books and his art supplies into the box. Brian followed her.

“So if the great romance is over, where is our young artist planning on living?” he made sure to ask the question very casually lest Debbie get the mistaken impression that he cared or something.

“He’s moving back in with me and Vic. It’ll be good for him. Maybe now he can finish being a kid. He never had that opportunity before.”

“I suppose that’s my fault too.”

“We are all to blame for that.” Replied Debbie seriously. Then she turned back to the task at hand. “Where are his c.d.s?”

“Bottom half of the rack.” They went in the box as well.

“Ok, let’s do DVDs and tapes. Moulin Rouge, Yellow Submarine, Dirty Dancing . . .”

“Actually that one’s mine.”

“He still gives you a stiffy after all these years?” Brian grimaced at Debbie’s blunt remark. “Well whatever gets you going. Clothes?”

“Right side of the closet and the top three drawers. Deb do you really have to do this now?”

“The sooner it’s done the better. Then you can move on with your life, unless of course you don’t want to.”

“Yeah, that’s my problem.” Was the sarcastic retort.

“Just one of many. You still don’t fool me kid.” Debbie walked into the bathroom. “Which toothbrush?”

“The blue one. What do you mean I still don’t fool you?”

“Brian,” Debbie shot him a look “you may be many things, but stupid is not one of them. You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“Jesus Christ! Are we really going to have this conversation again?”

“It’s never going to be over because I know that despite all your bullshit, you care about this kid.”

“I . . .” Brian began to protest, but Debbie cut him off before he could even get started.

“Don’t even try. You love him Brian. You love him and it drives you fucking crazy that anyone, especially some kid, could get in under all those walls you’ve put up. You’re terrified by it, and no matter how many times you try to deny it, it will still be true.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You never do. Well fine, have it your way. It doesn’t matter because you pushed him too far this time. A person can only take so much.”

“I don’t need this, and I don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life.”

“I hate to break it to you hon, but in that department you could use a lot of help.” Debbie said bluntly. “Now, which is his shampoo? You know what, it doesn’t matter. I’ll pick some up at the store and get the rest later. This is enough to start.” Debbie began walking to the door, her arms filled with Justin’s belongings.

“Hey Deb.” Brian called out, standing at the top step by the bedroom.

“Yeah kid?” she replied, turning around.

“Don’t forget Justin’s computer. He needs it to draw.


	5. I Won't Send Roses

“Darling, I was starting to get frustrated that I couldn’t find you.” Emmett said vexed.

“I was at Debbie’s the whole time Em.” Justin managed a weak smile.

“Yes, but I didn’t know that and I was ever so worried about you the whole time. Oh well, I found you so now I’m happy.”

“It’s good to see you too.”

“Why thank you. Isn’t this such a lovely café? It’s been on Liberty Avenue for ages and I never noticed it until my darling pointed it out to me.”

“My darling?” Justin asked, unaware that Emmett had a new beau.

“You mean you haven’t head?” Emmett beamed at the chance to regale yet another person with his story. “I thought Debbie would have told you. Yes it’s true, Emmett Honeycutt has found true love at last.”

“That’s great Emmett. You deserve it.”

“It all happened so quickly. One moment I’m all alone, and then all of a sudden there’s my soul mate.”

“What’s his name?”

“He’s so kind, so smart, so romantic. He just swept me off my feet.” Replied the love struck man, ignoring Justin’s question.

“Who is he?” Justin repeated.

“And he’s so handsome. I can’t believe I never noticed him before . . .”

“Jesus Christ! Who is it?”

“Ted!” Emmett finished with a flourish.

“Ted? As in Ted Schmidt?” Justin asked when he was relatively sure that his jaw had not dislocated when it hit the floor.

“Yes Ted Schmidt. Is there any other Ted as wonderful?” pondered Emmett in a fashion so whimsical that Justin’s ability to curb his gag reflex was severely tested.

“But you’re friends. Isn’t that almost incestuous?”

“Friends often make the best lovers.”

“It’s just quite a surprise.”

“I was just as surprised as you are. I mean he has always been good old Teddy but then he was the man of my dreams.”

“Oh.” The teen said at a loss to say anything more coherent.

“I can’t believe I never realized how perfect he is, how sexy- Justin don’t make faces, it doesn’t suit you- how utterly charming he can be. But what can I say? It’s l’amour!”

“Well I wish you the best.” Justin said, sincerely happy for Emmett, though rather confused about his latest choice for a mate.

“Thank you baby. You’ve been so much nicer about it than some people. Michael looked sick when I told him and I think it took Melanie half an hour to stop laughing.” Brushing these unpleasant memories aside, Emmett continued “But this isn’t why I wanted to take you out to lunch, so enough about that. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Was the somber reply.

“Which means?”

“I’m managing to get out of bed every morning, and I’m not completely miserable.”

“So you’re only mostly miserable?”

“Pretty much.”

“I’m sorry baby.”

“Don’t be. It’s not like I don’t deserve it.”

“Hon, don’t say that.”

“But it’s true, after what I did.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Of course I did. It wasn’t enough that I cheated on Brian. It wasn’t enough that I broke all the rules I forced him into. Oh no, I had to go for the drama princess ending and walk out on him in front of everyone. You were there Em!”

“I know.”

“So how can you say I didn’t do anything wrong?”

“Because Brian pushed you away. He made sure that you would leave.”

“Well then he got what he wanted.”

“But what a shit. I’ve heard all about that little stunt he pulled in the backroom.”

“What stunt?” Justin asked, confused about the direction in which Emmett was heading.

“Think back to the night of the party. Mel and Lindsay told you that Brian was looking for you.”

“Right.”

“So you went looking for him.”

“Yeah and I found him fucking some guy.” Justin’s voice still betrayed the hurt he felt at that particular slight.

“Exactly. But who was he fucking?” Emmett prompted.

“I don’t know, just some guy. It doesn’t really matter.” Justin’s memories of that night, only a week earlier, were a bit of a blur.

“Of course it matters. He was fucking Rage. Now we all know that Brian is the basis for Rage so in effect he was fucking himself, and in more ways than one.”

“But . . .” Justin started and then stopped unable to say anything has his brain processed this information.

“Brian knew exactly what he was doing, so don’t try and tell me that Brian didn’t push you away.”

“Were talking about the man who gave me everything.” Justin said softly, willing to defend Brian to the last.

“Everything but the one thing you needed most.” countered Emmett.

“Justin didn’t know how to respond to the truth of Emmett’s statement so the pair lapsed into a silence that became awkward in length. Luckily their order came at that moment, so they were spared, at least for a bit, the need to talk. Throughout the meal, Justin looked as though he had a question to ask. He started and stopped a number of times before he finally gained the courage to just ask it.

“How is he?”

“Ted? He’s wonderful.” Emmett replied. Purposely misconstruing the question.

“You know what I meant.”

“I don’t really know hon. I haven’t seen him that often because I’ve been busy. I know he’s been to Babylon a few times, but no one ever knows what’s going on in Mr. Kinney’s head.”

“But he seems ok?”

“Ok as he ever is. Now why are you worrying about that?”

“I just want to know that he’s all right, even after what happened, because I still l . . . you know.”

“Yeah, I know. So what are your plans now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you pick yourself up. You dust yourself off, and start all over again.” Emmett half sang.

“Can’t I wallow in self pity a little longer?”

“I’m going to have to go with no. You’ve had a week, and now it’s time to look towards the future.”

“The future seems pretty bleak to me.” Justin complained bitterly.

“Ah, but baby, it is full of possibility right now. You have the unique opportunity to go back to the beginning.”

“The beginning?”

“Baby, it’s time for a do-over.”


	6. I Won't Send Roses

Brian was having an extremely bad day. Absolutely nothing seemed to be going tight. He had discovered that the suit he wanted to wear was at the cleaners, traffic had been a bitch, the coffee shop had messed up his order, his staff was utterly inept, and just in case that wasn’t enough, Vance was being a pain in his ass yet again. Even Cynthia, who always stuck beside him and put up with whatever he could dish out wasn’t in his corner that day.

“Cynthia, I need about half a bottle of aspirin and a few people with even a little bit of talent.” Brian called over the intercom.

“You’re asking the wrong person.” Cynthia snapped back.

“Well could you at least come and get these files? Someone from the graphics department will be over to pick them up soon. And bring the aspirin.”

“Yeah, just a second.” she replied a tad wearily.

She entered the office a moment later and tossed Brian a bottle of aspirin, or rather it was difficult to tell if she was tossing it to him or chucking it at his head. Then she grabbed the files off his desk and strode out of the room only to return a minute or so later with a planner in her hand. She took a seat across the desk from Brian and snapped the book open.

“Let’s go over your schedule for the day.”

“What was that all about?” Brian asked, surprised by his secretary’s rather hostile demeanor.

“What was what about?”

“That whole ice queen routine. Have I done anything to upset you?”

“Yes.”

“Would you care to explain or am I supposed to know what the hell you’re talking about?”

“Can we just get this done? I have a lot to do today and I know you do too.”

“Tell me what you mean first.”

“You are such an asshole.” Most secretaries wouldn’t dream of saying that to their boss, but Cynthia was confident that she could and not get fired. Brian would never be able to find someone as good as her who could also put up with his temper.

“I think that was established a long time ago.” Brian replied dryly.

“You have been a complete pain in the ass to work with all week long. I mean even more than usual.”

“Oh thanks a lot.”

“It’s true. What the hell is going on with you this week?”

“Nothing is going on.” said Brian. As usual he was unwilling to talk about anything remotely personal.

“You are such a terrible liar. Let me think, you were your normally abrasive self last Friday, and Monday you were natures response to Ecstasy, so something must have happened over the weekend. Did you and Justin have a fight or something?”

“Let’s go over the schedule now.” Brian said trying to divert attention away from the dangerous subject, but Cynthia, sensing that she had hit upon the correct answer pressed on.

“I’m right. I’ve noticed that Justin hasn’t called all week.”

“You’re quite the detective.”

“What did you do to make him mad?”

“Why do you automatically assume that I did something wrong?”

“Please Brian, I’ve known you long enough to have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. So what did you two fight about?”

“We didn’t.” Brian said, shuffling through some papers on his desk.

“But you said you did.”

“No, you assumed.” The man clarified.

“So if you didn’t have a fight, what happened? Because something obviously did to put you into this bad a mood.”

“He left me.” Brian said, trying to make the whole thing sound simpler than it was.

“He left you?” repeated Cynthia, completely shocked.

“Yes he left me. Have you seen the files for the Brown account? I know they were sitting on my desk this morning.”

“Fuck the Brown account. How can you say that so calmly?”

“It happened, and now it’s over. Life goes on.”

“God Brian, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be, I’m not.”

“But this is Justin we’re talking about.” protested Cynthia “Why did he leave?”

“He was fucking some guy and then he decided to leave, end of story.”

“But you’ve told me that you guys fuck around all the time. You said yourself that you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship that wasn’t open. What made this time different that all the others?”

“It was different because this guy meant something?”

“I’m not going to pretend that I even begin to understand what you’re talking about.”

“I wouldn’t expect a woman to understand.” Brian said uttering some of the most dangerous words a man can say to a woman.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Cynthia said, bristling at the comment. Brian mentally chastised himself for forgetting why it was a terrible idea to discuss the difference between sex and relationships with a woman.

“Look Cynthia, when I fuck some random trick it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a fuck. It doesn’t go any further. There’s no attachment.”

“How can there not be an attachment? I mean you’re becoming about as close as you can be to another person.”

“Spoken like a true woman. I knew you wouldn’t get it.”

“You’re right I don’t”

“So can we just drop it now?” asked Brian.

“Are you going to be ok?”

“I’m fine.”

“I mean, I know that Justin meant a lot to you.”

“He didn’t mean anything to me.” Brian said angrily “He was just a fuck.”

“Liar.” Cynthia replied.

“Excuse me?”

“You are such a liar. He wasn’t just a fuck because if he was you wouldn’t care that he was gone.”

“I don’t care.”

“Then why have you been stomping around all week?” Brian couldn’t respond to that. “Uh-huh, that’s what I thought. And if he didn’t mean anything to you, why did he live with you for almost a year. I’m sure you wouldn’t let just any old trick do that.”

“Ok fine, so he meant something. But it’s over now and it’s for the best. I was no good for him.”

“Tell yourself that if you want. Look, I know that Justin is young and I’ve only met him a few times, but I see the way he looks at you and it’s clear that he is completely in love with you. It seems like such a waste to throw that away just because you don’t want to open your eyes.”


	7. I Won't Send Roses

Even though it was Friday night, Justin had no desire to go out. He was exhausted from the whole week. And besides, even if he did want to go out, where would he go? Babylon was out of the question because Brian would most likely be there and Justin wasn’t ready to see him hitting on every guy in the place just yet. He knew he would have to eventually, but he was willing to put it off until a later date. He didn’t have the energy to deal with the drama of it all.

On top of that, the teen had a lot on his mind. His earlier conversation with Emmett had left him with a lot to think about. Emmett had been right when he told Justin that Brian had pushed him away, and Justin was shocked that he hadn’t seen it before. It was so simple, so obvious, and yet the teen had missed it because he had been too caught up in self pity. But the more Justin thought about it, the more he saw how he had been played. He had to admit that the older man was a master when it came to playing games with people. It was just like what Brian did to Michael on his thirtieth birthday, and if Brian was going to push someone away he was going to do it in the flashiest way possible.

But wait, that couldn’t be, because it was different with Michael. He did it because he knew Michael would never be able to have something with David unless he let go of his best friend. This time it was because he wanted Justin gone, out of his life once and for all. Justin was fairly successful at convincing himself that this was so. Brian didn’t love him because Brian didn’t do love, he didn’t believe in it. He had said it himself and his friends were always repeating it. It bothered Justin that they never seemed to have any faith in him. So Brian didn’t believe in love, except Justin knew better than anyone that wasn’t true. He loved Michael like a brother, though Justin didn’t understand what Brian saw in someone who whined all the time. And then there was Gus. Justin had been there when he was born and he had watched the way Brian had cradled the new born in his strong hands. He alone had witnessed the turmoil Brian had endured in his decision to sign over his parental rights. And why had he done it? It wasn’t because he didn’t love Gus, quite the opposite, it was because he wanted to make sure that his son had the best parents possible. Ok, so it wasn’t true that Brian didn’t love anyone, but what did that mean for Justin?

Closing his eyes, the teen could almost hear music playing. He could picture two figures gliding across a dance floor, bright smiles and eyes shining. He could feel the giddy euphoria of being lifted off the ground and spun around. Then a new image filled his head, the two of them standing next to the jeep, Brian leaning forward to kiss him, but he paused first, silently asking for permission. He had never done that before, and then came the kiss. Not as passionate as some perhaps, but the most electrifying one for sure because of all the promises it made. Justin couldn’t know for sure if these were actual memories or if they were dreams created from everything he had been told about that fateful night, but they felt so real that Justin couldn’t help but believe that they had happened. And anyway, it didn’t matter. He knew for sure that Brian had come to his prom, and they had danced together in front of everyone, and that had to mean something. There was never anything simple about what Brian did. But what could it mean? Justin wanted to believe that it meant that Brian loved him, at least then. Life had made the teen a bit more cynical lately, so he was hesitant to just accept that, but there was a nagging voice in the back of his head that kept telling him he was right.

Justin stretched out on his stomach on the narrow bed and pulled a pillow close as he continued to sort through all of the issues that plagued him. More memories came flooding back. Brian not allowing him to drop out of school and giving him a computer that allowed him to draw again, and then later Brian had paid for his education when his father bailed on him. He remembered the night of Pride. He and Brian had danced in the middle of the crowded street, but it had felt like they were the only two people in the world. He remembered Brian holding his hand as they walked down the street, giving him the courage to be a part of the world again. His mind traveled back to the day of Gus’ birthday party, their first anniversary, and the comfort and security he had found in Brian’s arms when a plastic baseball bat made him fall apart. But even more than that was what had happened later that night. Clearly could he remember the feeling of Brian’s hands gliding across his body, the tender kisses that reached the depth of his soul, the feeling of a togetherness so complete that it was impossible to tell where one person left off and the other began. And he could remember words whispered breathlessly into his ear. “I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.”

It was that memory that made Justin sit up with a start. It was all proof that Brian truly did love Justin, only the teen had forgotten how to read the man he had fallen in love with so long ago, and he hadn’t been able to see all the signs. Brian’s so called friends had also told him that Brian couldn’t change, but they had completely missed that he had changed. Justin hadn’t seen it either. He had been too busy changing himself. He wasn’t sure what had caused such a change in him, whether it was everything with his father or Chris Hobbes or something else, but what he was sure of was that he didn’t like who he had become. Gone, or at least hidden, was the trusting teen who saw life as being full of possibility and who wouldn’t take no for an answer. He had been replaced by a pod person almost. He looked the same, but he had lost that charming innocence. Now there was a young man who wouldn’t fight for what he really wanted and what he knew was meant to be. This new person was too willing to trade pretty words that were easy for a true love that was anything but easy.

Justin wanted to be that other young man again. When he thought about it, he knew that he loved Brian just as much as he had from that very first night. The problem was that he had stopped fighting, he had given up hope. He had to fight if he wanted to get Brian. When he thought about it that way it was almost simple. Emmett had been right when he said that Justin needed to start from the beginning, and Justin was prepared to do just that. He would become that other person again, and he would fight for Brian. He would refuse to just disappear and he would hold on when Brian tried to push him away. He wouldn’t give up until he had Brian back again, and when that happened Justin would make sure that nothing and no one would tear them apart. For the first time in weeks, Justin was truly happy because now he had a plan and he was determined to see it through.


	8. I Won't Send Roses

It was just another Friday night at Babylon, almost identical to any other. Brian wasn’t as interested in it all as he usually would be, but that was a fact he was planning to keep to himself. So there he was, finishing yet another drink with the boys all hanging around him.

“Would you two stop that?” Brian said at last to Emmett and Ted. He was still in shock over their new found love and was of the firm belief that this was one of those things no one should be subjected to.

“You’re just jealous.” Emmett replied.

“Oh yeah, that’s my problem. I’m jealous that the two most pathetic queens in Pittsburgh finally gave up and decided to bang each other instead.” At this Emmett stuck out his tongue.

“Ignore him.” Ted said, stealing a kiss.

“Well I think it’s great.” Ben added “Friends often make the best lovers.”

“Thank you.” said Emmett “At least someone here is a gentleman.”

“Hey Ted, you’re in luck. Maybe now you can get Emmett to help you decorate that boring tomb you call your apartment.” Brian said with a smirk. Emmett’s eyes were wide with delight at the idea.

“Ooh yes! I saw these zebra stripped pillows just the other day that were fabulous and . . .”

Brian laughed to himself as he saw Ted clearly mouth the words “fuck you”. As long as he could still torture Ted Schmidt, Brian knew there was hope for the world. Still amused, he turned to the bar to order another drink.

“I wonder if Justin will be here tonight.” Emmett said as he scanned the dance floor. Brian froze. He was glad his back was turned so his friends couldn’t se his face.

“Have you seen him?” Ben asked.

“Yes, we had lunch together today.”

“Why are we talking about that stupid little brat?” Michael whined. “I’m glad to be rid of him.”

“Don’t talk about our baby like that!” Emmett cried, incensed.

“Oh come on, he’s been nothing but trouble from the very beginning. Right Brian?” Brian finished his drink in one gulp and slammed the glass onto the counter before turning around.

“Fuck off Mikey.”

“What did I say?”

But Brian was no longer paying attention to him. His eyes were trained on a dark haired guy standing at the edge of the dance floor. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and his well defined abs glistened with beads of sweat, and the bulge in his tight jeans promised good things. Brian decided that a trick was just what he needed to take his mind off of subjects that he was eager to avoid, but that his overly nosy friends were too quick to bring up. The trick cocked his head towards the backroom, and Brian pushed himself away from the bar.

“Well I don’t know about you, but I know what I’m doing tonight. Later.” He called over his shoulder, and with that he was gone.

“Doesn’t he mean who he’s doing tonight?” Ted scoffed.

“Hey, I thought we were supposed to hang out.” Michael called after the retreating figure.

“It’s sad isn’t it?” asked Emmett.

“Very.” Ted agreed.

“He thinks he has us fooled.”

“What are you talking about?” Michael asked, completely confused.

“Oh hon, isn’t it obvious?”

“Apparently not because you’ve lost me.”

“Brian is still stuck on Justin.”

“You’re crazy. If anything Brian is relieved that the kid is finally gone.”

“For someone who is supposed to be his best friend, you’re awfully blind at times.” And this was from Ben.

“Excuse me?”

“I know I haven’t known them as long as you have, and maybe that gives me an advantage because I haven’t been taken in by the Brian Kinney mystique. All I know is, you could tell that Brian loved Justin any time he looked at him.”

“Exactly.” Emmett seconded as he raised his glass towards Ben.

“Whatever you say.” Michael pouted “Brian doesn’t believe in love.”

“It would be nice if his best friend had a little more faith in him.” Ben said to his lover.

Meanwhile, Brian and his trick of the evening had made it to the backroom. The guy ran his hands up and down Brian’s body as they kissed, but Brian wasn’t in the mood for games. There was only one thing he wanted at the moment. He began fumbling with the guy’s belt. Seeing where things were going, the trick took over that task himself while Brian reached into his pocket to pull out a condom. He undid his own pants and rolled the condom onto his painfully hard dick the pushed the eager trick against the wall. None too gently he entered the other man who was moaning in pleasure.

Brian began thrusting in and out of the guy but he felt nothing. He had been horny as hell when they started, and while the guy may not have been the greatest piece of ass ever, he was far from the worst, but still he felt nothing, no excitement at all. Closing his eyes, Brian tried to think of something that could help him get through. Against his will, images of Justin popped into his head. He had been with the teen more than he had ever been with anyone else and yet he had never grown tired of him. Every time he explored the blonde’s body with his hands or his tongue it had been incredible. Justin knew all of the things to do that drove him wild. And they were always perfectly matched. Most of all he could remember the way Justin would call out his name, his voice thick with desire.

Brian could feel tremors in his leg and he knew his release was imminent. He reached around and began roughly jacking the trick’s dick as he increased the speed of his thrusts. At last he came with a cry, and then pulled out if the other man. When he had caught his breath he removed the condom then threw it away as he began to do up his pants.

“Who’s Justin?” the trick asked, startling Brian who had already forgotten about him.

“Huh?”

“Who’s Justin? You called his name when you came.”

“Oh.”

“So is he your boyfriend or something?”

“No he’s just someone I knew.”

“That’s good for me then. How about we go back to my place and do this again?”

“I’m not interested.”

“Come on, it’s early.” The man tried again, running a hand down Brian’s chest.

“I’m not interested.” Brian pushed him away.

“Asshole!” The trick was pissed, but Brian didn’t care. He just walked out of the backroom and decided to go back to the loft, alone.


	9. I Won't Send Roses

“Hey Daphne.” Justin said as he saw his best friend enter the small coffee shop. She came over and gave him a big hug.

“Good morning Justin.”

“Morning? Daph, it’s two in the afternoon.” He said with a laugh.

“Yeah, well it’s Saturday and I got up less than an hour ago, so it’s morning until I say otherwise.”

“Ok fine, good morning. You want to get some coffee?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

The pair got their drinks, and then Justin suggested that they take them to go and go for a walk in the park that was just across the street. Daphne agreed and a few minutes later they were walking along the quiet path.

“Why did you want to come here?” Daphne asked, taking a sip from her cup. “I thought we’d meet at the diner like we usually do.”

“Oh I just wanted to go somewhere where we could talk without being interrupted all the time.”

“You mean where we could talk and half of Pittsburgh wouldn’t know about it ten minutes later?”

“Well that too.”

“You know sometimes I wonder if you’re living in the real world or if your life is just the set for Gays of Our Lives.”

“Oh come on, it’s not that melodramatic.” Justin said smiling at his friend. She merely shot him a look. “OK, maybe you have a point.” He allowed at last. They walked along in silence for a few minutes before Daphne spoke again.

“I’ve been worried about you all week. I was afraid that you had gone into hiding or something.”

“Well I was until yesterday.”

“But not any more?”

 

“Not anymore.” Justin confirmed.

“And how are you doing, I mean really?” she asked.

“Actually, I’m great.”

“Really?” Disbelief was evident in her voice.

“I’ll admit that most of the week was pretty shitty, but I’ve had time to do a lot of thinking and so now things are much better.”

“So what’s going on between you and Ethan? Are you a couple now?”

“No, I broke it off with him that night. I realized that we weren’t right for each other and anyway, he was putting way too much pressure on me.”

“Well I’m glad. There was something about him I just didn’t trust, and he was so greasy and gross.” Daphne replied.

“I thought you said he was hot when you first saw him.”

“Maybe I did, but that was before. If you thought he was no good then I’m sure you were right.” Daphne would remain loyal to her best friend until the very end.

“But you’re right about him being greasy. I don’t think he showered once the whole time I knew him.” The two laughed as this as they continued to walk. All of a sudden Justin turned to look over his shoulder.

“What is it?” Daphne asked.

“Nothing, I just thought I heard someone calling my name.” They both stopped to look around. They could see another couple taking a walk and a baby and his dad playing on the swings in a playground nearby. “I guess I must be hearing things.

“So what about Brian? What’s going to happen with him?” Daphne asked as they started walking again. “I know tings don’t look good right now, but I have a hard time seeing you two apart. You were meant for each other.”

“You think so?”

“Absolutely, I’ll never forget how amazing you looked at prom. It was like a scene straight out of the movies.”

“Well I’m glad you think so because that will make things easier for me. Like I told you I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve come up with a plan.”

“Why don’t I like the sound of this?”

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. I just realized that one of the reasons we fell apart was because I forgot how to handle Brian.”

“That and he can be a total asshole sometimes . . . a hot asshole, but still an asshole.”

“Are you finished interrupting?”

“Sorry, go ahead.”

“Anyway, I got too caught up in the ‘Brian as the perpetual villain’ routine everyone else loves. I forgot how vulnerable he can be, and how most of the shitty stuff he does is a defense mechanism to hide that.”

“So what’s the great plan? I’m not following.”

“I have to go back to being the person I was when we first met.”

“Oh, so you plan on stalking him again.”

“I’m not going to stalk him. I’m just going to show supreme determination until he has no choice but to accept that fact that he can’t get rid of me.” Justin said, rolling his eyes.

“Good luck.”

“And that’s why I need your help.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Nothing much, just come with me to Woody’s and Babylon a few times. We never go out like we used to.”

“Sounds easy enough.”

“I just need some moral support and someone to keep me on track when things get difficult, and with Brian you know they will.”

“Of course.”

“So you’ll help me?”

“Well you’re not exactly asking for much, and anyway I want to see you and Brian back together as much as anyone. Now Justin, can we please go back?”

“Don’t tell me you’re tired already.”

“No, I’m just out of coffee”

“Addict.”

“Twink.”

“I am not a twink.”

“Uh-huh, sure.” Daphne said laughing as Justin started tickling her.

“Take that back.”

“Never!”


	10. I Won't Send Roses

As Brian had come home far earlier than he was used to for a Friday night, and since he had been much less drunk than usual, he woke up rather early the next day. Normally in a situation like this, Brian would have woken up Justin and the pair would spend the morning doing what they did best, but clearly that was not going to happen, so Brian didn’t know what to do with himself. He could go to the gym, but for once he wasn’t in the mood to work out, and anyway, the guys would probably be there and he wasn’t interested in their pity or the knowing glances he was sure to receive. He considered getting some work done, but decided against it since he had thrown himself whole heartedly into his work all week so he was ahead of where he needed to be and couldn’t progress until he’d met with the client again. Hating the inactivity of just lying in bed, he got up, took a shower, and got dressed. Then he came to the decision to go visit the one person in Pittsburgh he knew wouldn’t judge him.

“Well this is certainly an unexpected intrusion.” Of course to see that person he would also have to see Melanie.

“Where’s my son?” Brian demanded removing his sunglasses.

“Our son is having his diaper changed.” Never the less, Melanie stepped aside so that Brian could enter the house.

“Let me see him.”

“What are you doing here? I’d of thought that you’d be recovering from a long night of sucking and fucking.”

“I told you, I’m here to see my son.”

“Hold on. I’ll tell Lindsay you’re here.” Melanie said less than hospitably.

Melanie was still pissed off at Brian for his having used them to send Justin to the backroom the night of the Rage party, but Brian wasn’t too concerned. He figured that she could add that to his long list of previous sins. She went upstairs and a few moments later, Lindsay came down holding Gus. The little boy’s face broke into a wide smile when he saw his daddy and he immediately tried to extract himself from his mother’s arms.

“This is a surprise.” Lindsay said, kissing Brian on the cheek and relinquishing the toddler.

“Morning Linds, and good morning Sonny Boy.”

“Dada!” Gus chirped happily.

“How are you doing Bri?” Lindsay asked her voice full of motherly concern. “We haven’t heard from you all week.”

“I’ve been busy with work, but now that things are calmer I wanted to come see Gus.”

“I meant how are things now that Ju . . .”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Brian interrupted his voice firm. “So Sonny Boy, how about the two of us have a guy’s day out. I’ll teach you all about fashion, which your mom knows nothing about, buy you extremely noisy toys, fill you with junk food, and when you’re on a complete sugar high bring you back.”

“Excuse me, but you can’t just barge in here and set your own agenda. You don’t even know if we already had plans.” Melanie reentered the conversation.

“Do you?”

“No, but you didn’t know that. Next time try calling first.” She said to Brian who was already putting Gus’ shoes on.

“Oh relax. Now the two of you can have wild lesi sex all over the house without warping the fragile young mind of my son. I’m doing you a favor.”

“Don’t forget this.” Lindsay said with a small smile as she handed Brian the diaper bag. “Make sure you behave.”

“Don’t worry. Gus is always a good boy for me.”

“I was talking about you.”

Brian transferred Gus’ car seat to the jeep and then the Kinney men were off. Brian was actually hungry for once, so the first stop of the day was the Liberty Diner. Debbie was working that day, but Brian was spared the possibility of a lecture as Debbie was too enthralled by the presence of Gus to pay much attention to his father.

“Aren’t you the cutest little thing.” She cooed. Gus just giggled and shoved some more chocolate chip pancakes into his mouth causing his father to groan.

“Gus, don’t you know how bad that stuff is for you?”

“Oh shut up, he’s not even two. He looks so much like you already, I’m sure he’ll inherit your fine figure.”

Following brunch they had a brief stroll along Liberty Avenue before heading back to the car. After running a few errands they ended up at a small playground, and as soon as Brian set him down, the toddler ran over to the swing set.

“Push Dada.” He demanded. Brian lifted him into the seat and did as he was told.

“Want to go higher?”

“Yes!” The little boy giggled in delight. “Jusin!”

“What Gus?”

“Jusin, Jusin, Jusin.” The little boy called out. Brian looked in the direction his son was reaching. He saw a couple walking and the guy was blonde, but they were far away from Debbie’s, the diner, and PIFA. It was very unlikely that Justin would be anywhere near the area.

“No Gus, that’s not Justin.”

“Jusin.” He called one more time, then turned to his father, his eyes big and sad.

“Don’t worry Gus Gus. Just tell your mommies that you want to see Justin and he’ll come play.”

“Jusin at your house?” Gus asked, testing out his developing language skills.

“Not anymore.” Brian replied. “But can you keep a secret Gus? I miss him.”

“Miss him.” The little boy repeated.

“But remember that’s a secret so no telling mommy Melanie. I’ll get over it, but he’s something special. Too bad I never told him when I had the chance.”

“Jusin.” Gus sobbed quietly, his lip quivering slightly. Brian picked him up out of the swing and hugged him close. “Want Jusin.”

“So do I Sonny Boy.”


	11. I Won't Send Roses

Monday arrived and it was the first time that Justin would see Brian since that night. He had prepared himself for it all weekend, but when the time came he found himself growing a bit anxious. But he knew what he had to do, so pushing aside any nervousness he felt, Justin put on a bright smile and went over to Brian’s table to take everyone’s order. Brian was looking as gorgeous as ever, and if he was having any difficulty adjusting to life as a single man again he was hiding it well.

“Hi.” Justin said cheerfully. He saw a flicker of surprise cross Brian’s eyes for a second before it was replaced by a mask of indifference.

“Morning baby, glad to see you’re back.” Emmett chirped when it seemed that everyone else had lost the ability to speak. “We were afraid that you had quit or something.”

“Nope, I just had a big project to finish for school.”

“Then I guess it can’t be helped if you’re going to become Pittsburgh’s finest artist.”

“Can we get some service sometime this morning?” Brian asked testily, interrupting all pleasantries.

“Ooh, looks like someone hasn’t had his coffee yet.” Justin teased, and then moved off to get the coffee pot.

After filling everyone’s cups, Justin took breakfast orders. AS he brought them over to the kitchen to be filled he did a little victory dance in his head. He had Brian completely off his game and that was just where he wanted the older man to be. He was having a hard time containing his delight when the orders were ready and he brought the plates over to the table.

“You’re awfully cheerful this morning.” Michael said grumpily, following Brian’s “let’s be bitchy to Justin” example. “What gives?”

“Just having a good day.”

“Well could you tone it down a little? Some of us just got up.”

“Ben, how do you put up with him?” Justin asked as he moved away to check on another table.

“Brat.” Michael mumbled and then Emmett elbowed him hard in the side. “Ow! What was that for?”

“Sorry, my arm slipped.”

Trying to be subtle about it, Justin kept an eye on Brian all through breakfast. He noticed that the man kept his eyes on his plate for most of the meal, engaging in conversation even less than usual. Justin was sure he knew the cause of Brian’s moody silence. The man was used to having complete control of every situation and having Justin be so outgoing around him was severely compromising that position. Deciding not to push Brian too far on the first day of his grand plan, Justin made sure not to hover over the table too much. When he saw that the guys where nearly finished with breakfast, Justin went to clear up.

“Are you going to Babylon tonight?” Justin asked casually.

“Most likely.” Emmett answered for the group.

“Cool, cause I think I’m coming tonight since I don’t have as much work for school now. Daphne is coming too.”

“How is she? I’ve barely seen her lately. It seems like you aren’t as close as you used to be.”

“She’s still my best friend. We just don’t have as much time to hang out now that we have different schedules.”

“We’ll be at Woody’s first, so stop by so I can say hi someplace where I don’t have to yell to be heard.”

“We will Emmett. Anyone need anything else? More coffee?”

“Just the check. Some of us need to get to work today.” Brian snapped.

“Coming right up.”

“Oh Brian!” Justin called as the ad exec was just about to leave the diner. He turned warily, surprised at being singled out.

“What?”

“Don’t forget that you have an appointment with the ophthalmologist on Wednesday, the dry cleaning is ready. If you haven’t picked it up already, the claim ticket is on the refrigerator, and the jeep needs an oil change.”

“Um . . . thanks.” Though the way Brian said it, it sounded more like a question.

“You’re welcome. Later!” Justin flashed one of his famous sunshine smiles.

“Later.” Brian echoes as he suddenly found the door difficult to figure out.

Justin watched as he left, barely hiding his amusement. Then he turned back to the now empty table to begin whipping it off. So far his plan was going exactly the way he wanted it to. Justin could sense someone standing over him and he turned to see Debbie next to him, her hands on her hips.

“I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand you boys.”

“Huh Deb?” Justin asked, trying to look and sound innocent.

“Don’t give me that look. I’ve spent my whole life dealing with little boys who think they’re a hell of a lot more clever than they really are. All last week you were a maudlin mess and now you’re so perky it borders on obscene. You’re up to something.”

“Possibly.” Justin replied with a shrug. “I’ve got to run if I’m going to make it to class on time.” He said glancing at his watch. Then he disappeared into the back and returned with his bag and jacket.

“Go ahead Sunshine. Whatever it is you’re plotting, I sure as hell hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I do.”

“Good luck. See you later kiddo.”

“Thanks Deb.” Leaving the diner, Justin pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number. “Hey Daph, it’s me. Don’t forget, Babylon tonight.”


	12. I Won't Send Roses

To Brian it seemed that this week was getting off to as bad a start as the previous week had been. In fact, if it was possible, this was going to be even worse, and it was all thanks to a certain blonde person who had made a surprise return to his life. It would be a gross understatement to say that Brian had been surprised to see Justin working at the diner that morning, supreme shock would be a better description. What was even more surprising was that the teen seemed to be in such high spirits. From everything the older man had heard, the teen had been a total wreck all week, but it wasn’t like Brian was keeping tabs on him or anything. No, he told himself. His friends were just overly willing to pass on any information they had.

True to his word, Justin had shown up at Woody’s earlier in the evening with Daphne in tow. When they came over to talk with the group, Brian had stalked off to the pool table and spent much of the night hitting on the hottest guy he could find in the hopes that Justin would show some hint of jealousy or anything other than the incessant cheerfulness he was displaying, but Justin never broke. At one point Justin caught Brian when he was trying to subtly gage the teen’s reaction. Much to Brian’s dismay, Justin had simply winked at him, so Brian tried to appear even more interested in the twink in front of him.

The move to Babylon hadn’t improved matters much. Upon arrival, Brian had a couple drinks while Justin and Daphne hit the dance floor. It was oddly reminiscent of the days when they had first known each other, but Brian pushed that idea away without too much thought. After finishing his second drink, Brian headed to the backroom because he was of the firm belief that nothing can remedy a bad night like a blow job. Ten minutes, and a spectacularly inadequate blow job later, he was beginning to rethink that philosophy.

So now Brian was standing on one of the catwalks overlooking the dance floor, his eyes trained on one particular person. Brian didn’t know where Daphne was, but Justin didn’t appear too concerned. Instead, he seemed more interested in entertaining an extremely attractive stranger. Justin had good taste in men, Brian had to admit. Under normal circumstances, he’d be eager to do the guy himself, though as it was he had to grip the banister tightly in order to suppress the urge to rip the guy apart.

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” said a voice to Brian’s right.

“Go away Emmett.” He said without turning.

“Someone’s in quite a mood. Come on, can’t you admit he’s beautiful if nothing else?”

“He’s all right.”

“Which is why you kept him around so long, because he’s just all right.”

“Why do you find it necessary to spend so much time worrying about my life? Go find your boyfriend the corpse and torture him.”

“Brian, if it was just your life I wouldn’t worry, but it’s never like that with you. You always have to be the center of attention. You always have to drag someone down with you.”

“It’s good to know what you really think of me. Thanks Em.”

“You have no idea what I think. I think you’re narcissistic, stubborn, frustrating, hugely in denial, immature and self destructive. And despite all that I actually like you though God knows why.”

“I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment.”

“Take it any way you want Brian, but listen to me. Justin is important to me too and he deserves better than what he’s getting. Do him, not to mention yourself a favor and wake up.”

“What do you want me to do? It’s over and it was never meant to be. I always said that he was too young to know what he wants. I thought you’d have seen it by now.”

“You’re the one who doesn’t know what he wants Brian. But like you said, it’s your life, so if you want to fuck it up, be my guest. Just know that someday you’re going to wake up old and alone, and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.”

“You know I don’t do old.”

“So what’s the alternative? Planning to kill yourself before that happens? That will make a fine example for Gus.”

“Leave my son out of this and leave me alone.” Brian growled.

“Fine. I see I can’t get through to you anyway. I’m surprised Justin lasted as long as he did.” And with that Emmett departed.

Eager to distance his thoughts from his little talk with Emmett, Brian focused his full attention back on the dance floor. Justin was still there with the guy and Brian could see plenty of people eyeing the sexy blonde, and Brian didn’t like that one bit. But Justin was in a world of his own as he swayed to the music, the other man kissing his neck. A trick approached Brian but was rejected as the ad exec continued to watch the scene in front of him.

That guy was doing it all wrong. He wasn’t kissing him the way he should, the way that would elicit a reaction only Justin could produce. Brian was privately glad that was something only he knew how to do perfectly. He was willing to bet that even the fiddler hadn’t been able to match the perfect sexual pairing the two men had shared. When he kissed Justin on the dance floor he would start at Justin’s shoulder, just a light kiss at first, his lips barely touching the warm flesh. Then he would move upward towards Justin’s neck, the kisses growing in intensity. Then Brian’s tongue would trace a pattern up the teen’s neck, and by that point he could already feel the younger man shivering in anticipation. Brian would then use his teeth to lightly tug on Justin’s earlobe before attacking his lips, winding him with a long hard kiss that would make Justin melt into him completely, turn him on so much that he would willingly fuck Brian right there on the dance floor if given the chance. That was how you were supposed to kiss Justin, but of course the guy didn’t know anything about that. Despite the fact that he had been rejecting guys all night, yet another hopeful approached Brian.

“Hey, you want to go to the back room?” the guy asked. Brian turned to size him up thinking that perhaps that would be a better use of his time than staring at his ex-lover. The guy was only ok, he had had far better.

“I’m not interested.” He looked back to the floor, but both Justin and his companion had disappeared. Brian quickly scanned the room, but he couldn’t see any sign of the teen. “Fuck!”


	13. I Won't Send Roses

By Thursday, Justin was one happy boy. He had to admit that so far his plan was going even better than he had hoped. Brian was completely confused. Justin was somewhat surprised that he was able to throw Brian as much as he was. Every time he saw Brian he was careful to remain friendly and cheerful. At Woody’s or at Babylon, Justin did his best to hide how hard it was for him to see Brian all over so many guys, although Justin couldn’t help but think that it was more for show than anything else. And the teen had done his part to do likewise, finding really hot guys to dance with when he knew Brian was watching, and he knew because he could feel Brian’s eyes boring into him. Of course it never went past the show on the dance floor, but if Brian really wanted to think otherwise, Justin wasn’t about to stop him.

But Justin knew that he couldn’t just keep this act up. That wouldn’t get him anywhere because Brian would only continue to pick up guys and pretend that Justin wasn’t there, and Justin wasn’t interested in keeping that cycle going for long. He was not about to be ignored. It was time to move to the next stage of his plan, and this part was going to shock Brian even more. It was time to tell Brian exactly what he was doing. To do that, Justin decided that he needed to get Brian away from the guys. He quickly came up with the perfect way to do just that because, hell, it had worked before.

That night, Justin made sure that he was looking his sexiest. He wore his tightest pants and had shed his shirt long before he spotted Brian. He finally found Brian in the middle if the dance floor with his intended trick of the evening. Justin made his way through the crowd until he found a spot behind Brian. He knew the older man couldn’t see him but he was right in the line of vision of the trick. As he began dancing, he made sure to throw seductive smiles to the guy occasionally. The man responded in kind, proving that he was thoroughly under the spell of the hot blonde. At last Justin cocked his head, signaling the guy to come over to him, and the man did immediately. Justin almost laughed out loud at the look of surprise and disgust on Brian’s face when he realized what had just happened. But Justin kept his eyes intently on his new dance partner, pretending not to notice the man shooting venomous looks at him. The guy slid his hands up and down Justin’s skin, and then his hands were gone. For a moment there was nothing before Justin collided into another body. He looked up to find himself face to face with Brian. Bingo! He had him right where he wanted. Justin noticed the now rejected man still hovering nearby, hoping to reclaim his prize, but Brian brushed him away with a terse fuck off.

“Hey, what did you do that for?” Justin asked, acting annoyed that Brian had cut it.

“What are you doing here?” Brian asked, ignoring Justin’s question completely.

“Well I was trying to dance before you butted in, and if you don’t mind I’d like to get back to that.”

“Do you really have to be around all the time?”

“I’m allowed to be here if I want to be.”

“You’re right. I can’t stop you from coming to Babylon, but I want you to leave me alone. Are you stalking me again or something?”

“Possibly.” Replied Justin. The expression on Brian’s face told the teen that this was not the answer he had expected.

“What do you mean, possibly?”

“But I hate to call it stalking. That sounds so negative. I prefer to think of it as persistence.”

“Call it whatever the hell you want, but leave me alone. We’re over, remember?”

“It will never be over Brian, because we’re supposed to be together.”

“Jesus Christ! Are you really going to bring that up again? This doesn’t sound like the guy who just a couple weeks ago was telling me all about how I couldn’t love him.”

“You’re right, but I’ve had time to think things through and I see it differently now.”

“What’s gotten into you? One minute you’re barely speaking to me and now all of a sudden you’re Mr. Sunshine. It’s almost as if you were . . .”

“Almost as if I were the person I was when we first met.” Justin finished for him.

“Yeah.”

“That’s because I am that person. I always was, though I forgot it for a while. I forgot how much I love you and I forgot that you love me.”

“Justin, you know how I feel about love.”

“I know what you say you feel about love, but I also know the truth. You do love people, and you never deny it, you just avoid the question. Right now you could have told me that you didn’t love me, but you didn’t. And when I said that Ethan loved me in ways that you can’t you said ‘in ways that I won’t’. Won’t is a lot different than can’t. So what’s holding you back? What are you afraid of?”

“Go away Justin.” Was Brian’s only reply.

“Don’t you get it? I’m not going to go away no matter how hard you push me away. I told you once before and I’ll tell you again, I’m onto you. I’m going to be here no matter what you say because we’re supposed to be together and eventually you’ll admit it too.”

Brian didn’t reply to Justin’s declaration but he didn’t move away either. Justin took that as a good sign. He pressed his body up against Brian’s and put his arms around the other man’s neck. He looked straight into Brian’s eyes, their lips so close that they were practically touching.

“Later.” Justin said, and with that he released Brian and disappeared into the crowd.


	14. I Won't Send Roses

“Later.” The teen had whispered before he was gone, and Brian was alone on the crowded dance floor. At first the man didn’t know what to think because he wasn’t sure what had just happened. He did know that he had to get out of Babylon, and fast so he could try to figure out what the hell was going on. He didn’t even make it to the exit before he was intercepted by Michael.

“What did he want?”

“Nothing Mikey. I’m going home.”

“It didn’t look like nothing from where I was standing. You too looked awfully close.”

“Yeah, well it’s nothing, so just drop the subject. See you tomorrow.”

Before Michael could whine anymore, Brian pushed past him and out of the club. At that moment, the only thing he wanted to do was to get home. This goal was accomplished in short order, and the first thing Brian did when he entered the loft was to pour himself a nice big drink. It made things easier to handle. With his drink in hand, Brian went over to the chaise lounge in the living room, shedding his jacket and boots on the way. He leaned back, trying to process everything the teen had said, but at first his thoughts were too crowded with memories.

The whole loft was haunted with visions. How many times had they fucked in that very chair? Brian remembered pressing Justin up against the pillar only feet away, and all the times they had fucked in the shower, or in the blue haze of the bedroom. In fact, there was probably not an inch of the loft that had not been touched this way during the countless nights they had spent together. Then there were the other memories, Justin behind the counter in the kitchen cooking up his latest concoction, lying on the sofa together watching a movie on one of their rare quiet nights, Justin humming softly to himself as he worked on some project for school, or the shiver Brian would get up his back when he looked up to see two bright blue eyes staring directly at him as the artist worked on his latest sketch. There was no use trying to get away from these memories because they had become a part of the loft.

These thoughts began to dissipate as Brian began to remember some of the other, less pleasant memories, especially that last night together, the two of them lying in bed together in absolute silence, the tension thick. It was then that Brian began to get angry. What right did Justin have to try to push his way into his life again? He was the one who had been fucking around outside the very rules that he had set up, and more importantly he was the one who decided to leave. Brian hadn’t forced him, ok, so maybe he had strongly influenced that decision, but it had been Justin’s choice. So now Justin and Ethan were finished. Apparently Justin had realized that pretty words weren’t all they were made out to be, and now he wanted to come back, only Brian wasn’t so sure he wanted to let that happen.

As much as Brian hated to admit it, much of what Justin had said earlier at the club was true. Though given the opportunity many times Brian had never really denied that he loved Justin, and even his declarations that he didn’t believe in love had become fewer. Brian’s strange and often contradictory moral code towards honesty wouldn’t allow him to deny it completely, but he wasn’t going to go shout it from the rooftops either.

So he had cared for Justin, a lot, missed him now that he was gone, but what was love anyway? Why were people so intent on clinging to this idea that only brought pain? Brian knew that people would tell him that the empty place he felt in his heart, the loneliness that threatened to consume him was love, but he decided that if they were right, they could keep it. Brian didn’t know why people continued loving when it hurt so much. Long before Justin left it had hurt because deep down he always knew it would happen. Each day when he woke up with Justin beside him he would wonder if this would be the last time, if this would be the day that Justin realized he wasn’t worth it. He’d thought it would be easier, that it wouldn’t hurt so much when the end came because at least he wouldn’t have to wait for it any longer, but he was wrong.

And now Justin wanted to come back, wanted to start all over again. Hadn’t he learned anything the first time around? Brian silently cursed himself for not seeing what the teen was up to earlier. That very first night when Justin had shown up with Daphne at Babylon, Brian had been struck by how familiar the situation had seemed, and now that Justin had so kindly pointed it out to him, Brian could see it clearly. The Justin standing in front of him wasn’t the same Justin who had looked at him with dead eyes as he left the Rage party. The Justin he had seen that night, the Justin he had seen all week really, was the same person he met the night Gus was born and his whole life was changed. He could see it in his eyes that he was once again that persistent, frustrating, and utterly adorable young man that he had been before life decided to kick him in the teeth a few times. Only Brian knew that he had changed himself, and he didn’t think he could do it again, didn’t think that he could allow Justin in a second time. As much as he had tried to deny it, even to himself, especially to himself, Justin had become a part of his life the center of his whole fucking universe. The hurt he felt when Justin left, only strengthened his resolve against this thing they called love. So let Justin hang around if he wanted to, let him try to put things back where they had been. It didn’t matter what he did because Brian was determined not to let it happen. He had tried it once and it had failed and so Brian told himself that never again would he let anyone in. It was easier this way.


	15. I Won't Send Roses

True to his word, Justin continued to show up at Babylon every night, and he would make sure to plant himself right near Brian. He also continued his campaign whenever Brian was in the diner. At first Justin was a bit nervous that Brian might try to avoid him, but those fears turned out to be unwarranted. After a while the teen realized that he had the older man trapped. Brian couldn’t deviate from his normal routine without drawing some suspicion from his friends, so he was forced to remain in the same pattern, leaving Justin with plenty of access to him. Justin would have considered this a complete victory except for the fact that he knew how badly Brian reacted when backed into a corner. Still, the knowledge that Brian was most likely extremely frustrated and might lash out did nothing to stop Justin from moving forward. But he had to admit that he was getting a little frustrated. He wasn’t sure how much progress he had made and he wasn’t entirely sure what he should do to move things along. And then, one week after Justin made his declaration, something happened.

The night had started out much like any other night in the past week. Justin would stick close to Brian, Brian would pretend to ignore him, Brian would focus his attention on some trick, Justin would pretend it wasn’t killing him. The cycle was really starting to get old. But there was something different about this night that was different, Brian wasn’t behaving in quite the same way. The pair had been dancing with their respective partners, their eyes locked in a silent struggle to see who would back down first, when Brian suddenly pushed aside the guy he was dancing with. He closed the distance between himself and Justin and cut in, quickly informing Justin’s companion that his presence was no longer appreciated.

Brian and Justin began to move together, the rhythm of the music pulsing through their bodies. They still had not broken eye contact. Justin felt Brian’s arms snake around his waist, pulling him closer, and he responded by putting his arms around the man’s neck. Justin had no idea how long they continued to dance like that, pressed close together. Time had ceased to have any importance. All that mattered was that moment, and that Brian continued to hold him like that. Brian’s head dipped down to Justin’s Adam’s apple and the teen automatically threw his head back to give the man better access. Brian’s tongue traced a slow, tortuous pattern to his ear.

“Want to get out of here?” Brian whispered his voice powerfully seductive.

Justin didn’t need to be asked twice. He couldn’t even get a response out, but the look in his eyes told Brian everything he needed to know. There was a tiny little voice in the back of Justin’s head telling him not to do it, telling him it was too easy, but he didn’t listen to it because the rest of his mind was telling him to go ahead, telling him that he was finally making progress, and more importantly his body was screaming yes. He wanted, needed, Brian to touch him, kiss him, fuck him, and if he knew Brian at all, that was exactly what was going to happen. Justin felt Brian tugging on the belt loops of his pants and he let himself be dragged out of the crowded club.

The short ride back to the loft was made in silence, and Brian managed to hold off his assault until they made it into the elevator. The second the door rumbled shut Brian had Justin pressed against the wall, his arms pinned above his head. The Brian swooped in, mauling Justin’s mouth with his own. Dropping Justin’s wrists, Brian broke off the kiss long enough to let the teen refill his lungs before locking their lips together again. Justin felt Brian’s hands sliding under his shirt, caressing the warm skin Justin’s hands fumbled with the buttons on Brian’s shirt, but he lifted his arms to assist in the removal of his own clothing.

The elevator shuddered and stopped and Justin was left panting, his lips swollen from the kissing. It felt like an eternity, but it was really less than a minute for the pair to get into the loft where their attack on each other was continues with increased intensity. They stumbled towards the bedroom, their progress slow and difficult as limbs got tangled together and they tried to shed the clothing that prevented total body contact. By the time they finally reached their destination, the main part of the loft was strewn with discarded items. Brian and Justin collapsed on the bed, breaking apart only when it was absolutely necessary to get oxygen. Brian’s hands traveled down the teen’s slim body, reaching for his already leaking cock. Justin moaned as Brian began stroking him tortuously slowly.

“Brian.” Justin gasped, craving more.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Please.” Was the only thing Justin managed to get out.

“Please what?” Brian taunted. Apparently he was going to make Justin beg.

“Fuck me!”

That seemed to be all the instructions that Brian needed because the next moment, he found himself being flipped over onto his stomach. Resting his head in his arms, he felt Brian reach over him and without looking he knew that he was going for the ever present condom bowl. The sound of the packet being ripped open was music to Justin’s ears after having had to rely on himself for any sexual gratification for the past three weeks. Brian stretched out over Justin and the teen felt the head of Brian’s dick pushing against the tight ring of muscles of his hole.

Justin pushed himself back against Brian, urging him forward, and then Brian was buried deep inside him. It felt so good, so fucking good. After giving the blonde a moment to adjust, Brian began thrusting in and out of the tight hole. Justin would not have been able to stifle the cries of pleasure that came from his throat even if he tried. He could feel Brian’s left hand playing with the hair on the back of his neck, turning his head so once again their lips could join in an all encompassing kiss. His other hand was linked with Justin’s on the mattress. The intensity of their fucking combined with the fact that Justin had been practically celibate for the longest period of time he could remember in recent history brought everything to a fairly rapid conclusion. Justin tried to hold off as long as he could, but he quickly found that such efforts were unsuccessful and came, shouting the older man’s name. Brian was right behind him as Justin’s cries still echoed through the loft.

They stayed like that for a moment, sweat soaked bodies still trembling, before Brian pulled out of Justin. Immediately the teen rolled over and plastered himself to Brian’s side, unwilling to break contact just yet. As often happened following sex, Justin found himself growing sleepy as he was soothed by the feel of Brian’s finger tip’s idly tracing patterns onto his skin. He wanted to stay right where he was, never wanted to move again, but he knew he needed to go soon. He had an early shift at the diner and Debbie was expecting him back at home, plus if he stayed too long Brian might try to kick him out. It was better to go himself tonight, keep Brian off balance a little longer. After a few more minutes in the safety of Brian’s embrace, Justin managed to get himself up and went to collect his scattered garments. He could feel Brian’s eyes tracking his movement as he put his clothes back on.

“Where are you going?” Brian asked. Justin pressed his lips together to hide the big smile threatening to break through. Brian wanted him to stay. He returned to the bedroom and dropped down next to the other man.

“I’ve got to go. Deb will be worried.” Justin said, brushing sweaty strands of hair out of Brian’s eyes. He looked down at Justin for a long moment before planting a long, slow kiss on the unresisting lips. “Later.”


	16. I Won't Send Roses

Damn him. Damn that little cock teasing twat. Brian was not sure what had just happened. One moment he was considering flipping Justin over and doing it again, and the next thing he knew he was alone with a painfully stiff dick. That was not how it was supposed to work. His intentions were to bring Justin home, fuck him senseless, and then throw him out to show him just who was in charge of the situation, to remind Justin that he was into fucking, not love and relationships. Blue balls was definitely not on the agenda. Brian didn’t like that whole not being in control of the situation thing, but there was nothing that he could do about it that night at least. Brian knew he could easily get someone to come over and take care of his little problem, but he wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone so he was going to have to rely on himself if he needed any release. Damn that little cock teaser!

After a rather frustrating night, Brian woke up in an extremely bad mood. He dressed quickly before heading to the diner for breakfast, intent on wrapping up some unfinished business. The scene that greeted him when he arrived at the diner did nothing to improve his spirits. Ted and Emmett were already acting like a couple of idiots as they fed each other breakfast and Michael was seated across from them pouting into his cereal. Justin was standing behind the counter looking even more cheerful than he had the past few weeks, not to mention well fucked. It was nauseating. Brian decided to bypass the teen until he had at least had a cup of coffee.

“Christ, do you really have to do that so early in the morning?” Brian goaded Emmett and Ted as he pushed Michael further into the booth so he could sit down.

“And a very good morning to you too.” Emmett replied

“Shouldn’t there be laws against that sort of thing? Oh wait there are. They’re called crimes against humanity.”

“Such a comedian we have.” Ted replied drolly.

“So Mikey, where’s the professor?” Brian turned his attention to his best friend, seeing that he wasn’t going to get the desired reaction from the pair seated across from him.

“He had an early class. Hey Brian, where did you go last night? I thought I saw you dancing with J . . .”

“Hey Deb, do you think I could get some coffee sometime this lifetime?” Brian called out, trying to distract Michael from finishing his sentence. Now he understood why the other man was so grumpy.

“I’m coming. I’m coming.” She replied, pot in hand. “What’s been eating you, or more likely hasn’t?” She laughed at her own joke.

“I would really appreciate having one morning go by without hearing your commentary on every subject.”

“Then find another breakfast place kiddo. I hardly think you come here for the food.” Debbie wasn’t the least bit perturbed.

“Oh right, I come here just to have you lay into me day after day. I’m a regular masochist.” He grumbled.

“Hey, I’m not surprised. You’re into plenty of kinky stuff.” She laughed as she filled his cup. “Michael Charles Novotny use your napkin. The way you eat people would think I never taught you table manners.”

“Ma, I’m not four anymore.” Michael complained.

“No of course not. You’re all so grown up and mature. You never fuck up or act like a bunch of drama princesses. I almost forgot.”

“I don’t do drama.” Brian replied “It’s boring.” Debbie set the pot down on the table and put her hands on her hips.

“I hate to break it to you, but I have a front row seat to the greatest drama in town. And honey, let me tell you, it’s an interactive show.” Debbie replied before moving off to check on her other tables.

So it was not the best of mornings Brian had even had. However he did find himself lucky that Justin was busy the whole morning and didn’t have time to stop by the table. Still, the teen would flash a smile in his direction every time he had the chance. Brian decided that he didn’t want to deal with what had happened the night before, so the new plan was to duck out quickly after breakfast and worry about the whole situation some other time. He’d made it about half way down the block before he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey.” Justin said smiling sweetly, almost shyly. He was slightly out of breath from having run after Brian.

“What do you want?” Brian responded coldly.

“You didn’t say goodbye, or hello for that matter.”

“Goodbye.” Brian turned to walk away, but Justin stopped him.

“Wait. We need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“When am I going to see you again?”

“You see me almost every day.”

“I mean like last night. We should talk about what happened.”

“We fucked. That’s what happened. That’s all that happened.”

“Yeah, but . . .”

“But what? That’s all it was.”

“I thought things would be different now.”

“Did you really think that this would change anything, that all of a sudden I’d be Mr. Relationship? Come on Justin, you should know better by now.”

“So I’m just another one of your tricks?”

“It was just a fuck, nothing more.” Brian left Justin standing there as he went to the jeep, and he tried not to think about the crushed expression on the teen’s face.


	17. I Won't Send Roses

“Hi Debbie.” The young woman said as the front door was opened.

“Hello Daphne, come in. I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’m pretty good.”

“Can I get you anything to drink? Something to eat? You kids all look like you’re half starved.”

“I’m fine thanks. I was just wondering if Justin is here. I tried calling his cell earlier but he didn’t pick up the phone. He’s been avoiding me for days.”

“Yeah, he’s upstairs. I think he’s still asleep, but you can go ahead and wake the lazy bum up.”

“Thanks Debbie.” She started walking up the stairs.

“Daphne, will you tell me what is going on with that boy? First he was a mess, then he was my old sunshine, and now he’s been moping again the last few days.” Daphne just shrugged her shoulders. “Ok, don’t tell me. You’re a loyal friend and Justin’s lucky to have you. I hope you can cheer him up. I worry about him.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Daphne opened the door to Justin’s room and quietly stepped inside. The covers had been pulled up all the way, forming a lump in the middle of the bed, and even though she couldn’t see his face, the movement under the covers told her that her best friend was awake. He never could stay still for long. She waited a moment to see if he might voluntarily come out of hiding, but when that became less and less likely she pounced on the bed.

“Morning Justin!” she chirped.

“Go away please.” Came the muffled reply.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Tough luck, cause I do.” And with that she snatched the covers away to discover her friends tear streaked face. “Aww hon, what’s the matter?”

“He hates me.” There was no need to say who.

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“Yes he does. I went home with him on Thursday and the next morning he told me I was just a fuck.”

“So? It’s not like that’s the first time he ever said it.” She laid down next to Justin on the narrow bed.

“Yeah, but after the other night when I went home with him, after the incredible sex we had I thought that things were getting better. It felt just like it used to.”

“You know, sometime I want to bang my head against a wall and yell ‘why god? Why they hell did you have to make men so fucking stupid?’ I really do.” She replied.

“Is that supposed to cheer me up Daph?”

“What I’m trying to tell you is that Brian said the same thing after the first time you had sex, so it’s not surprising that he’d do it again. He’s stubborn, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you.”

“Yeah but . . .”

“But nothing. You didn’t let it get you down last time. Instead you got back up and tried again and again until you got what you wanted, which is what you’re going to do now.”

“I don’t know if I have the energy to do it all over again.”

“Listen up mister. You asked me to help keep you on track, and I am not about to see you give up over one setback. That man loves you dammit, and you are not going to leave him alone until he admits it. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get your ass out of bed and go seduce him.”

“Some people would consider that very inappropriate advice.” Justin said, never the less Daphne could see the beginning of a smile.

“Good thing you’re not one of those people.” She replied, hitting him with a pillow. “Now get up.”

A full scale pillow fight erupted from which Daphne emerged victorious and in the process she managed to get Justin laughing again and committed to continuing his quest. She even managed to get him to go back out that very night, which was how Justin found himself back at Woody’s and face to face with Brian. Of course the older man was doing a good job of ignoring him, but Emmett was busy monopolizing the conversation, so no one was too aware of the tension that existed between the two men. However, eventually something else attracted Emmett’s attention and he moved away, dragging Ted along with him. When Justin saw that Michael and Ben were engaged in conversation he moved to stand next to Brian at the bar.”

“Hey.”

“What do you want?” Brian was his ever charming self.

“Just saying hello.” And then he lowered his voice so that only Brian could hear him. “And I wanted to let you know that it didn’t work.”

“Obviously not.” For once Brian didn’t even feign ignorance.

“And it’s not going to work.” He added. Brian just rolled his eyes and threw back another shot. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m flushed with excitement.”

“And you know what?”

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“I don’t think you really want me to go anywhere.”

“And what would give you that idea?”

“It’s simple. You only make such an effort to push people away when you care about them. Only you need them and want them around and you only push them away because you don’t want to hurt them and you’re convinced that you will.”

“I didn’t know that PIFA offered degrees in psychology.”

“I know you Brian.”

“You think you know me.” The man amended.

“I know that you’re really not the heartless shit you try to be.”

“You might want to take a vote on that one I’m sure Melanie would be more than happy to argue the case against me.”

“That’s because she hasn’t see the side of you I’ve seen.”

“There are plenty of sides if me that you’ve seen and she hasn’t.”

“Very funny.”

“I try.”

“You’re not fooling me.”

“You’re delusional.”

The conversation would have continued in this ineffective cycle for quite a while except they were rejoined by the rest of their friends and so the matter was dropped. But from across the bar Brian could see Justin smiling at him with a knowing look in his eye.


	18. I Won't Send Roses

After losing yet another battle to a very determined teenager, Brian was of the opinion that there was only one sane thing that a man in his position could do, and that was to get excruciatingly drunk and deal with the whole ting some other time. It seemed like a good idea at the time and it was, to a point, though Brian could only hope that the hang over fairy would be kind to him the next morning. After quite a few more drinks in rapid succession Brian was feeling fine, better than fine even. He couldn’t see what he had been so upset about earlier, the downside of this being that he couldn’t see much of anything at all. But that was a secondary concern to Brian as he was busy experimenting with how much alcohol one could consume without causing irreparable harm to one’s own liver. Having seen such an act before, the man’s friends were not too concerned by Brian’s behavior, rather they were quite amused as it made him much more pleasant company than he was known to be on other occasions. However, there was one person who was most definitely not amused, and that individual spent much of the evening glowering from the sidelines before he decided that it was time to take action.

“Come on Brian. I’m taking you home.” Michael said, intervening in between his best friend and the latest person to fall under the spell of the great Brian Kinney.

“Mikey, we just got here. It’s early.”

“It’s one thirty in the morning and some of us have to work tomorrow, including you.”

“How come you never want to have any fun?” Brian slurred as he dropped an arm around the shorter man’s shoulders.

“Carting your drunk ass home is not my idea of a good time.” Michael replied, trying to maneuver his friend towards the exit.

Brian was in no condition or mood to argue so he allowed Michael to lead him out of the bar and to the jeep. There was one dicey moment when Brian tried to insist that he was ok to drive, but that was quickly resolved because in fumbling for his keys, he dropped them on the ground and then Michael snatched them up and refused to give them back. He opened the passenger door, and Brian practically fell into the car as his legs did not seem too keen on supporting him at the moment. Settling back into his seat, Brian allowed Michael to drive him home and accompany him upstairs, the latter decision being one that he would soon regret. In spite of Brian’s current condition, or perhaps because of it, Michael took the time to air his grievances on a subject that had been bothering him greatly for a couple of weeks.

“Brian, what’s going on with you and Justin?”

“Nothing.” Was the guarded reply.

“That’s a load of shit and you know it. I have eyes. I can see something is happening.”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with you Mikey.” Brian said, implicitly admitting that something was indeed going on.

“It has everything to do with me. I’m your best friend.”

“But this is my life, and if I want it to be private, that’s my fucking right.” It was amazing how fast Michael’s whining could kill a buzz.

“You never tell me anything anymore, and I don’t understand why you let that brat stick around.”

“Don’t start that shit again. I do not let him stick around. What he does with his time is his business. And anyway, what do you want me to do about it?”

“Tell him the truth.”

“And what the hell is the truth?”

“That he’s an obnoxious little brat. That he’s nothing but a trick who stayed too long. That ever since he arrived he’s been nothing but trouble and we’d all be better off without him”

“No Michael, you’d be better off without him. I know it must kill you that you’re not the only man in her heart, but Debbie happens to care about him a lot. So does everyone else, including my son. Besides, you didn’t seem to have a problem with him when he was making your comic book dream come true.”

“I still don’t want him around.”

“Well that’s something you’re just going to have to get over because he’s going to be around for a long time.”

“Hey, where are you going?” Michael called out as Brian stalked off in the direction of the bathroom. “Going to get some drugs now? That’s a mature way to handle this.” He could hear the door of the medicine cabinet being slammed shut.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I was getting aspirin.” Brian waved the bottle in his friends face as proof. “And you are the last person in the world who should be talking about maturity.”

“Just tell me what’s going on with you two.” Michael said, returning to his original line of questioning.

“I told you, it’s none of your business.”

“You fucked him, didn’t you, the other night when I saw you dancing with him?” When Brian wouldn’t respond, Michael continued. “Jesus Bri, I thought you were over him.”

“It was just a fuck.”

“That’s what you said when he first showed up and look where that got you.”

“Look, he’s a good fuck. No, I take that back. He’s a great fuck, so if I want to do him I will, but it doesn’t mean anything.”

“I just don’t get it, not after what he did to you.”

“He didn’t do anything to me.”

“Right, nothing except cheat on you and leave you after you gave him everything.”

“He was always free to go Michael. You know that, and he never owed me anything so just drop it.”

“Jesus!” A light bulb went off in Michael’s head.

“What?”

“I can’t believe I’ve been so blind.”

“What?” Brian asked again, growing more and more confused.

“They were right. I didn’t see it, but they were right the whole time.”

“Who was right? What the hell are you talking about?”

“You still love him.”


	19. I Won't Send Roses

There was something incredibly sensual about Brian and Justin could never figure out exactly what it was that made him stand out so much. Maybe it was his perfect, fit body, the way each muscle stood out perfectly under smooth flesh. Or maybe it was his strong hands that could be so gentle as they moved across the teens body. Perhaps it was his lips, lips that could take Justin’s breath away with a single kiss and could drive him crazy as they caressed every inch of skin, sending Justin into ecstasy as he felt an almost electric current pass between them. Or maybe it was Brian’s eyes that captivated Justin, those eyes that could express so many different emotions all at once. Those eyes that were beautifully, tragically haunted by a past Justin would never know. Those eyes that screamed of lust during the pairs many escapades in the bedroom or shone with some other, undistinguishable emotion that Justin had seen on those rare occasions when he’s woken to find Brian watching him. Such were the thoughts that ran through Justin’s head as he tried to come up with something, anything to postpone his release as he felt Brian’s mouth around his cock.

Justin still wasn’t entirely sure how he had ended up back at Brian’s loft once again, but here he was and determined to enjoy it, which, knowing Brian, was sure to happen. The evening had started out at Babylon where Justin was in the middle of the dance floor. The teen had lost sight of the older man when Brian disappeared into the back room with his latest conquest. Justin decided that it would be highly unproductive to follow him as his presence wouldn’t deter Brian in the slightest, and he would then be forced to watch his beloved fuck yet another guy, something Justin didn’t think he had the stomach for. Instead he decided that his time would be better spent dancing until Brian eventually resurfaced, as he was sure to, and in the meantime Justin knew the middle of the crowd he could find some people to show interest in him even if he didn’t plan on carrying it very far.

Justin had lost track of the time as he felt his body being carried away by the beat of the music when he felt someone approach him from behind. Even before Justin felt the newcomer press up closely against his back, he knew that it was Brian. No matter how much time the pair spent apart, Justin felt sure that this unspoken connection would remain in tact, and though time and circumstance seemed determined to keep them apart they kept finding themselves in the same position. Brian’s fingers wrapped around Justin’s belt loops as he drew the teen even closer so that not even air separated the two bodies. Brian’s head dipped down and Justin felt the light touch of Brian’s lips grazing his neck. The teen leaned his head back to rest it on Brian’s shoulder and their eyes locked for one brief moment before lips joined together in a deep probing kiss, though it was impossible to determine who had initiated the kiss. When they pulled apart, Justin felt a slight tug at his waist and that was all the invitation he needed. The two men then made a hurried exit from the club

The speedy ride back to the loft was a bit of a blur, but Justin was fairly sure that Brian had broken at least a few traffic laws in his haste to get to their destination. After what felt like a painfully slow elevator ride they finally made it inside where Justin was rid of his shirt and pinned against the cool metal door in one swift movement. An exploration of each others mouths continued with renewed interest as their tongue dueled, striving to reach deeper down. This was aborted much too soon for Justin’s taste, but before he was able to register any sort of complaint, Brian’s talented tongue was already working a path down Brian’s torso. The teen decided that this was an acceptable substitute.

He felt Brian’s soft breath tickling his skin and dropped his head down to take in the scent of Brian’s hair, an intoxicating blend of the expensive shampoo he always used and that other, indescribable scent that was pure Brian. Justin gasped as Brian lightly tugged at the teen’s nipple ring with his teeth, the sensation traveling straight to his cock which was now almost painfully hard as it was trapped within tight jeans. The exploration continued going lower and lower to Justin’s navel. Then Brian undid the top button of Justin’s jeans before ever so slowly pulling at the zipper. Brian looked up at the teen, an evil grin plastered to his face. Then, Brian yanked off Justin’s pants and briefs in one quick movement, then held Justin steady so he could kick the offending garment off somewhere where it wouldn’t be in the way. Now free from its confines, Justin’s dick stood rock hard against his stomach, leaking precum.

Justin was panting heavily as he felt Brian’s tongue trace a wet trail starting at the base of his shaft and moving all the way up to the head. Then, without any more games, Brian engulfed the entire thing into his mouth. At the feel of the wonderful hot, wetness surrounding his cock, Justin’s first impulse was to thrust deeper, to be completely consumed by the sensations that threatened to overwhelm him, but Brian’s hands on his hips kept him in place. Justin arched his back as he tried to find something to grab on to on the smooth metal door. Finding nothing there, Justin laced his fingers in Brian’s hair, urging the older man forward.

He knew it wouldn’t be too long before he came, but he wanted to hold on as long as possible, though that was becoming increasingly more difficult, so he tried to think about something other than the fact that the most beautiful man he had ever seen was currently sucking his cock. He was in the middle of remembering irregular French verbs and dangerously close to coming when, all of a sudden, the sensations surrounding his cock disappeared. He moaned in frustration.

Brian got to his feet and removed his own shirt. He leaned in to give Justin a quick hard kiss, silently promising more good things to come. Justin was almost sure that his heartbeat was audible as he watched Brian reach into the pocket of his jeans for the ever present condom. Once that was accomplished Brian discarded his pants and Justin saw that the man was in a similar condition to himself. Brian began to grind against Justin as he started an assault on the teen’s collar bone. He sucked hard at the tender skin, sure to leave a mark. Justin could barely get out a breath. He was so close.

“Not yet.” Brian commanded, sensing Justin’s predicament.

He took a step back, separating their bodies. Justin watched as Brian slipped the condom on his gorgeous, thick dick. Brian stood between Justin’s legs, his hands on the teen’s things. Immediately Justin knew what the man wanted and he threw his arms around Brian’s neck before he felt himself being lifted off the ground by strong arms, and he wrapped his legs around the slender waist for support. He felt the head of Brian’s dick at the entrance of his hole and it was but a moment before it was pushing past the tight ring of muscle. No matter how many times he had sex, Justin never ceased to be amazed by the incredible mix of pleasure and pain he felt in that instant. Then Brian was pushing deeper and deeper until he was completely buried in Justin. Utterly overwhelmed by the sensations, the teen threw his head back, a move which proved to be unwise as it connected with the door.

“Careful.” Brian warned with a small laugh. “We don’t need you to get a concussion.”

He pressed closer to the door and while leaving one hand to support the young man, he lifted the other hand to caress the teen’s head where it had just been hit before pushing sweaty strands of hair out of the teen’s eyes. Justin tightened his hold around Brian’s neck, urging the man to continue, and Brian did just that. He began a slow thrust and withdrawal that quickly increased in both speed and intensity. Brian’s lips were covering Justin’s own, preventing the flow of air, but Justin didn’t care. A quiet moan escaped Justin’s lips as he felt the head of Brian’s cock against his prostate.

“Don’t keep it in. Let me hear you baby.” Brian said, his voice thick with lust. That was all the invitation Justin needed.

“Brian . . . oh . . .oh! Harder!” he called out, his incoherent shouts echoing off the walls of the loft. “Fuck! Harder!”

Brian responded immediately, thrusting deeper into the lithe young man. Justin’s cock was trapped beneath their bodies in a wet sandwich of warm flesh. It was too much for Justin who couldn’t have held off any longer even if he tried. Giving up the battle, he came all over Brian’s chest, his release causing his muscles to contract around Brian’s dick which in turn brought on the other man’s orgasm, which was accompanied by a deep throaty cry of Justin’s name.

Both men panting heavily, Brian carefully pulled out of Justin before allowing the younger man’s legs to slip from his waist. Justin still leaned against Brian for support as his legs were quite wobbly. After disposing of the condom the pair stumbled as far as the sofa where Brian collapsed on his back with Justin’s head resting on his chest. As often happened after such strenuous activity, Justin felt himself becoming sleepy, lulled by the now steady beat of Brian’s heart.

“Justin.” Brian’s voice pierced the pleasant fog that was settling in.

“Yeah?”

“It’s time for you to go.”


	20. I Won't Send Roses

The moment the door to the loft rumbled shut, Brian knew that he had made a terrible mistake. Actually, that was a lie. Even before he had let the words leave his lips he had known that he would regret it. Only, until that moment he hadn’t known just how difficult it would be. It was the crushed expression on Justin’s face that brought it home, practically punching him in the stomach. Justin hadn’t said anything, didn’t try to change Brian’s mind. He just picked up his clothes, got dressed and left, no comment. The whole time Brian silently pleaded with the teen to fight back, to say no, to refuse to leave, just as he pleaded with himself to take it back. But as much as Brian truly wanted Justin to stay, he couldn’t make himself say anything, his stubborn streak overpowering the sinking suspicion that he had pushed the beautiful young man away for the last time. And then Justin was gone, and Brian was left alone in a loft that seemed more empty than ever before. Brian felt consumed by a pain much deeper than he had ever felt before, a pain that couldn’t be numbed by drugs or alcohol or yet another nameless trick. In the haunting silence, Brian curled up in bed hugging a pillow from what had once been Justin’s side of the bed, imagining he could still smell his scent. It was there that Brian allowed one solitary tear to slide down his cheek.

As difficult as he knew it would be, Brian forced himself to go to the diner for breakfast the next morning. His fear of running into Justin turned out to be unfounded as the teen was nowhere in sight. This concerned Brian and he wanted to ask Debbie where he was but there were too many eavesdropping friends around. So Brian tried to comfort himself with the thought that Justin was probably busy with something else. However, his concern grew even more that evening when Justin didn’t show up at Woody’s or Babylon. Brian spent much of the evening on the catwalk above the dance floor, searching for a familiar blonde head, but it was in vain. Brian spent a mostly sleepless night wondering where Justin could be.

The following morning, when Justin still wasn’t at his regular morning shift, Brian’s concern became almost panic. It made it difficult to work and by the time he left the office late that evening, he was in no mood for his regular Friday night festivities. Instead, he decided to go to the diner on the off chance that Justin had changed his schedule. Upon entering the diner he began to look around before his search was interrupted.

“He’s not here.” Debbie called from where she was standing by the cash register. Brian scowled, annoyed at being discovered so quickly. He never figured out how Debbie always knew what he was up to. “But since you’re here you might as well have something to eat.”

“No thanks. I was just on my way home.”

“Yeah, sure you were. Now sit down. I’ll make you a sandwich.” When Brian seemed to hesitate she repeated her command. “Sit.”

“So . . . um . . .” Brian faltered before deciding to just take the plunge. “Why hasn’t Justin been at work?”

“He’s taking some time off. He’s had a long year and now that school is finished he deserves a break. He works too hard.”

“Is he ok? I mean, have you seen him today?”

“He was still asleep when I left this morning and he was still out when I went to bed last night. Why the sudden curiosity?”

“Just wondering. I haven’t seen him in a few days.”

“Right and I suppose you don’t know why Sunshine had been having more moods than a pregnant woman.”

“Deb . . .” Brian could see that he was approaching dangerous territory.

“Deb nothing. I may not know exactly what’s going on but I’m not completely stupid. I’ve seen how both of you have been acting and I have also seen how my son has been pouting so I can pretty much figure out that something is up.”

“Why do you always assume that I have something to do with it?”

“Oh I don’t know, possibly because in my experience you always do. Remember kiddo, we have a pretty long history. But I’m not here to give you a lecture.”

“This has to be a first.”

“Don’t tempt me. Look, I’m a mother and not just to Michael, you’re all my boys and it kills me when I see someone I care about so unhappy.”

“And I’m the big bad wolf causing all the hurt, right?”

“Actually I was talking about you.”

“Me?”

“Yes you, because for all of your crap and your hard ass attitude you’re a good kid. And god help me for it, I love you. So I don’t understand why you keep doing these things to yourself. That kid could be good for you if you’d let him. But you won’t because you know he’ll make you happy and I’ll never understand why you’re so fucking afraid of being happy. Now eat your sandwich.”

So that was Friday and things didn’t get much better from there. Trying not to be too obvious about it, he went down the line of friends looking for information about how Justin was doing but still he came up with nothing. Emmett and Ted hadn’t seen him all week. He even “accidentally” ran into Daphne over the weekend. He had a feeling that she knew what was going on with the teen but she wouldn’t talk to him. She just scowled and walked away. If he couldn’t even charm Daphne then he knew something was seriously wrong in the world. But the worst was at Lindsay and Melanie’s. Gus heard the grownups talking about Justin and decided that he wanted to see his favorite playmate. Gus was bitterly disappointed when he was told that Justin wasn’t there. Lindsay had to spend quite a bit of time comforting the small child and frankly, Brian was jealous.

And then it was Thursday again, one week since he’d told Justin to go, one week since he’d made the biggest mistake of his life. For two years he had slowly but surely tried to destroy the best thing that had ever happened to him and he had succeeded only to discover that it was a bitter prize. He’d gotten what he wanted only now he realized what it was that he really wanted. But it was too late. He’d seen to that. So Brian did the only thing he could. He got up and went to Babylon as he tried to reconcile himself to a life without Justin.


	21. I Won't Send Roses

One week, it had been just over one week since Brian had kicked him out and crushed his hopes yet again. At first Justin had been devastated. He was tired, wasn’t sure long he could keep playing these games Brian seemed to enjoy so much. The longer things continued this way, the less likely it was that his plan would be successful. Justin was about at the point where he was ready to give up, just disappear as Brian seemed so keen for him to do, and reconcile himself to a life without Brian. But he couldn’t. The thought of walking away was too much. There was something irresistible about Brian that made it impossible to even consider walking away. Only know he saw that his original plan hadn’t been the least bit successful. Brian had been playing him the whole time. Justin decided he needed some time to get away, to figure out what he was doing, so he’d asked Debbie for a vacation and she had readily given it to him.

Despite Daphne’s repeated threats of violence, Justin had carefully avoided any location where he might run into Brian, but at the end of the week Justin was just as confused as he had been at the beginning of it. How was he supposed to get through to Brian? There had been a time when he knew exactly how to read the older man, but now he was a mystery to him, a mystery Justin would gladly spend the rest of his life unraveling if only Brian would let him do so. However, Brian didn’t seem to have any intention of doing anything of the sort. It was all very discouraging.

On Friday night Justin decided that he needed to go back to Babylon and see Brian even though he didn’t have the slightest clue as to what he should do. At the very least he had to let Brian know that he wasn’t going to be pushed away. He did know that they couldn’t keep doing the same thing over and over again. Something had to happen. What Justin didn’t know was that something was about to.

All day long he’d had a strange feeling, something between anticipation and fear. He had been jittery the entire day, unable to concentrate on anything. He tried reading but forgot what he’s read as soon as he moved on to the next sentence. He tried drawing but the pictures kept coming out all wrong. Given this state, getting dressed to go out proved to be a rather difficult task. Once he arrived at the club he couldn’t go in. He was inexplicably nervous even though it was something he had done countless times before. It was so easy, one step in front of the other, but tonight something was holding him back. He paced outside the club, trying to work up the courage to just go inside but it wasn’t working. Justin’s legs were shaking underneath him, so finally he leaned up against a lamp post in the hopes of calming himself a little.

At that same moment, Brian was exiting the club. He had gone to Babylon that night in the hopes of forgetting about Justin at least for a little while, like that ever worked. Dancing with someone who didn’t look like Justin, didn’t smell like Justin, didn’t feel like Justin, it became too hard to pretend that this was where he wanted to be. His acting skills could only get him so far. So Brian had decided to step outside and get some air, and there he found the one person he had been looking for all week. Consequently, the teen was standing under the very same lamp post he had been the night they first met. Here was yet another example of the fates playing one hell of a joke on Brian. At first Brian couldn’t believe what he was seeing. It must just be someone who looked like Justin, either that or his mind was playing tricks on him yet again. But no, it really was Justin. Slowly Brian began to walk in his direction.

Justin was quite surprised to see Brian there as it was much earlier than Brian would normally leave. He was even more surprised when Brian began walking towards him. The look on Brian’s face was hard to read. He seemed discouraged, sad even, an emotion not usually linked to Brian Kinney. It was in that moment that Justin fully saw the truth and knew what he had to do. Justin could feel his heart rate increasing with each step the man took. Brian stopped just a few paces away from Justin and there was silence as the two men stared at each other.

“You’re here.” Brian said finally.

“Yeah.” It was stupid, but Justin couldn’t think of anything more coherent to say.

“I thought maybe you were gone.” Even Brian could hear the fear creeping into his voice as he said it.

“Is that what you want?” So Justin wasn’t going to make it easy on him, not that Brian ever expected it to be easy.

“Justin . . .”

“No Brian. Is that what you want? For once just give it to me straight.” Justin’s voice was calm and even.

“No.” Brian heard himself say, his voice barely a whisper, but it seemed enough for Justin.

“Good.” The teen replied.

Brian was amazed by how strong Justin was at that moment. How had he forgotten the courage, the utter balls the teen possessed? Here the kid was making it perfectly clear, without actually saying it, that it was time to make a decision. He didn’t threaten, he didn’t give ultimatums, but Brian knew that if there was ever a chance of them having a future together the games had to end right there. And Justin didn’t even seem nervous. It was as if he already knew what Brian’s answer would be.

“Why me?” Brian asked, still trying to grasp the concept that even after all that had happened the kid still wanted to be with him.

“Because you’re worth it.” Justin replied simply, as if that explained everything.

“You don’t know that.”

“No, you don’t know that. But you are. I always knew.”

“I’m going to fuck up a thousand times.”

“Probably, but so will I.”

“I mean it. And I can’t promise that I can be monogamous.”

“So don’t promise to be.”

“But I thought that’s what you want.”

“It would be nice, but I’ll take as much of you as I can get just as long as I know that I’m not just another trick.”

“You were never just another trick.” Brian paused before continuing. “And I don’t know if I can say the words.”

“You will.” Justin replied confidently. “Because you do.”

“Conceited little twat.” Brian couldn’t help but grin at the teen’s bold statement. “You know I’m never going to be Mr. Romance like the fiddle player.”

“Brian, believe me, I’ve learned my lesson about how that’s not everything. Besides, I wouldn’t know what to do with you if you did. But a small gesture here and there wouldn’t hurt you too much.”

And there’s one more thing. I won’t send roses.” But he said it so tenderly, already leaning in towards the beautiful young man.

“They bother my allergies anyway.”


	22. I Won't Send Roses

“Justin.” Brian said between kisses.

“Hmm?” Justin was busy trying to see if his tongue could reach Brian’s tonsils.

“If we don’t leave right now I swear I am going to fuck you right here in the street.”

“Could be pretty hot.” Justin still didn’t remove his arms from around the man’s neck.

“Could be, but I’m not interested in sharing your ass with all of Liberty Avenue.”

Brian managed to extract himself from the teens grasp and pulled him to the jeep. It was lucky that they didn’t get into an accident on the ride back to the loft as Justin seemed incapable of staying in his own seat and anyone who has ever tried can vouch for the fact that it is almost impossible to drive with a lap full of horny blonde teenager. However, they made it back unscathed. Brian hit the button for the elevator and after what felt like an hour, but was actually less than ten seconds he gave up. Grabbing Justin’s hand he charged up the stairs two at a time. They arrived at the top floor, panting, but before either man had a chance to catch their breath they were once again locked in a passionate embrace. Brian didn’t think he could get enough of Justin’s lips. He had never, could never, forget how amazing it felt to kiss the teen, but until that moment he hadn’t realized just how much he had missed this. Eventually the need for oxygen outweighed the need to dissolve into one another and they parted, foreheads pressed together as they breathed in the same air. Brian used one hand to fumble with his keys in an attempt to open the door, keeping his other arm around his lover, drawing the teen infinitely closer. With a fair amount of effort the door opened and the pair more or less fell into the apartment. Not wanting to waste any time Brian hoisted a now giggling teenager over his shoulder and made a beeline for the bedroom.

Brian gently deposited Justin on the bed and as they knelt in front of each other the urgency of the situation faded. What was the hurry when they had all night, tomorrow, forever even? This wasn’t just a game anymore. It was fucking real this time. Brian removed his own shirt before assisting the teen out of his. He looked deep into those crystal blue eyes. His hand caressed Justin’s cheek, fingers gliding through soft hair and suddenly he was struck with an overwhelming fear that if he looked away or blinked Justin would disappear. Pulling the teen closer in an all encompassing embrace, Brian pressed their lips together in an effort to convince himself that Justin wouldn’t go anywhere. The kiss grounded him because this couldn’t be a dream, not when he tasted Justin on his lips, could feel the warmth of the body in his arms. They lay down facing each other, ridding themselves of their pants on the way so that nothing separated them. Hands moved slowly across smooth skin, not missing an inch, committing the touch to memory.

Now, feeling totally secure that Justin would be beside him for a long time to come, Brian was able to turn his thoughts back to more pressing matters, namely that he was excruciatingly horny. He was already hard and a quick glance down showed him that Justin was equally ready for the reconciliation to begin. Brian blanketed the smaller man with his body and began a very methodical assault on the teen’s neck, sucking hard, making sure to leave a mark, reclaiming his territory lest anyone forget ever again that Justin was and always would be his. Justin was wriggling madly underneath him and Brian raised his head to whisper seductively in his ear.

“Are you going to stop that or do I need to break out the handcuffs?”

“Maybe later, but first get off me.”

This was not exactly the request Brian had been anticipating and Justin used the older man’s surprise as an opportunity to push him off and onto his back. Before Brian could ask what he was doing he felt Justin’s tongue tracing a wet trail up his cock. Well if that was what Justin wanted Brian wasn’t about to stop him. He always did give the best blowjobs. Closing his eyes, Brian allowed Justin to do as he pleased and the teen certainly didn’t disappoint. Brian could feel himself close to cumming but this wasn’t how he wanted it to be.

“Stop.” He said.

Justin looked up at him and smiled before crawling up Brian’s body to kiss him again. Brian could taste himself on Justin’s lips and it nearly sent him over the edge right there. He wrapped his legs around the teen’s slender waist and rolled over so now he was the one on top. Reaching to the side of the bed he came back with a condom and a tube of lube. He squirted a generous amount onto his fingers and tortuously slowly he started stretching Justin, first with one finger then two.

“Jesus Brian!” Justin gasped throwing his head back. A flush had appeared on his cheeks.

“What?” Brian was giving him that evil grin again, but at the same time he was already rolling a condom over his erect dick.

“I want you inside of me now.” Brian’s fingers were replaced with the much wider girth of his cock, slowly filling Justin till he was all the way in. The teen moaned in appreciation.

“Is that better?” Brian asked, enjoying torturing his bed mate.

“Less talking, more fucking!”

“Aren’t you a naughty boy?”

“Shut up and kiss me.” Justin replied using his hands to pull Brian’s head towards his own.

After that, all coherent forms of conversation ceased. The loft was filled with the groans and shouts of two people completely in tune with one another. Brian promised himself that he would go slowly so that he could treasure every moan that crossed Justin’s lips, every kiss, every look, every touch. Over and over again he came just to the brink, holding back to delay his inevitable release as long as possible. How long had they been going? Did it fucking matter? When he could feel himself nearing the edge for the last time he increased the speed of his thrusts to bring Justin there too. They came within seconds of each other. Brian’s orgasm was so strong he was left shaking intensely. Justin practically exploded, shooting cum onto both of their chests. Brian collapsed onto Justin, still trembling. The teen linked their fingers together, squeezing gently.

“Dammit, that was . . .”

“Intense, amazing, unforgettable, heaven?” The teen offered in rapid succession.

“All of the above.” Brian gasped, his heart still racing.

When he finally caught his breath he pulled out of Justin and rolled onto his side so he didn’t crush him. Immediately the teen was plastered against him. Legs tangled together, they lay in perfect silence, secure, content. Justin’s eyes were half closed and a soft secret smile lit up his face as he snuggled ever closer to Brian. Sluggishly he lifted his head.

“We should get cleaned up a little.”

“Later baby.” Brian replied, pulling him back down.

They dozed off, wrapped up in each other, for about an hour or so before the spark from earlier was rekindled once again. Now completely secure in the knowledge that they really had each other, the slow, languorous love making of earlier was replaced with the desire for something hard, fast, and intense. Limbs tangled together. Flesh moved over warm flesh. Hands intertwined and kisses were shared. A condom was opened and then the ever incredible sensations that came at the moment of penetration.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Brian said.

“You too.” Justin gasped. “And so fucking tight.”

“Yeah well . . .” the rest was lost in a pleasure filled moan as Justin began to thrust in and out.

“Like that?” Justin couldn’t help but take advantage of the opportunity to get back at Brian for all the times he had been teased just like this.

“Fuck me harder.” Brian hissed through gritted teeth.

“Uh-uh.” Justin sing-songed, not even bothering to hide the laughter in his voice. “You have to say the magic word.”

“Fuck me harder DAMMIT!”

“That’s close enough.”

As much fun as he was having, Justin couldn’t deny his man of what he really wanted. Thrusting harder, his deck pressed against Brian’s prostate. It didn’t last much longer after that. With the intention of speeding things up, Justin reached between their sweat soaked bodies to stroke Brian’s dick. And then as he came Brian whispered three words, barely audible, but still Justin heard him.

“I love you.”


	23. I Won't Send Roses

There was sunlight streaming into the room the next time Justin became aware of anything. He didn’t want to get up. It was too comfortable where he was. He didn’t want to wake up and find that he was alone in his narrow bed at Debbie’s. He didn’t want this delicious dream to end. But then he felt the soft tickle of someone’s breath on his neck and an arm reached over him, pulling him into the warmth. Justin smiled to himself as Brian started planting feather light kisses on his neck and ear.

“Wake up sleepy.” Brian murmured in his ear. “Come on Sunshine.”

Slowly Justin opened his eyes. He rolled over to face Brian so that their noses touched. They smiled at each other before moving in for a tender but all too brief kiss. They lay quietly for a minutes, just savoring the proximity as Brian’s fingers traced random patterns on the soft skin of Justin’s hip. Justin couldn’t believe that anything could be more perfect than that moment. For the first time in a long time he felt completely content, completely at ease, completely safe.

“We should get up.” Justin said finally.

“And do what?”

“I don’t know, get something to eat. I’m starving.”

“No surprise there.” Brian teased, running a hand through Justin’s silky hair. “I was thinking we could spend the whole day in bed fucking.”

“Mmm . . .” Justin closed his eyes, enjoying the touch. “Sounds tempting, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m hungry.”

“Oh stop moaning and complaining. I could provide you with a fortifying liquid breakfast.”

“I’m sure you could.” Never the less, Justin got out of the bed and headed for the bathroom.

“Hey, where do you think you’re going?”

“Shower, I’m still all covered in cum.”

“I like you covered in cum.”

“You have a very dirty mind.”

“And you love it. So, do you mind if I join you?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Quite some time and a couple blow jobs later, the boys were finally presentable and ready for the day. It was already fairly crowded on Liberty Avenue and they had to park a few blocks away from the diner. Immediately upon exiting the jeep, Brian threaded their fingers together for the short walk to the diner. Justin couldn’t contain the grin that spread across his face at this. However, as they got closer he began to feel a bit apprehensive. Brian could sense this and turned around to face the teen.

“You ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just not so hungry after all.”

“Uh-huh.” Brian said with evident disbelief. “This from the boy who can eat anything?”

“Or maybe we could try this new bakery that’s right around here.”

“Or maybe you could stop being such a pussy and we can go inside.”

“Brian, I’m just . . .” Justin paused, searching for the right word.

“Just what?”

“I’m nervous.”

“Why?”

“Because everyone is going to be there and you know how they are. I don’t want to have to deal with everyone talking about us.”

“How can they not talk about us? We’re the sexiest pair Liberty’s ever seen.”

“You know that’s not what I meant. I don’t want to hear them telling us that we’re going to screw up, or taking bets on how long we’ll last this time.”

“Well fuck them. We know what we want and that’s all that matters.” Brian pulled Justin close. “And as for how long we’ll last this time, how does forever sound? Cause you better not be going anywhere.”

They kissed and then entered the diner, making their way to the back booths where, as predicted, everyone was already assembled. At the sight of the obviously well fucked couple the expressions on the gangs face resembled what one might expect had Santa suddenly decided to drop by for dinner. From the looks of things, Brian wondered if perhaps some of his friends had dislocated their jaws.

“You might want to close your mouth before someone takes it as an invitation.” Brian joked as he sat down next to Michael and pulled Justin onto his lap. Debbie was standing nearby, pad in hand trying to formulate a sentence Brian beat her to it. “Hey Deb. I’ll have some coffee, eggs and bacon, and a side of mind your own damn business everyone. What about you Justin?”

“Um . . . I’ll have the same.”

Shaking her head, as she tried to process what she had just witness, Debbie went to put in the orders and get the coffee pot. While Brian and Justin continued to draw great satisfaction from their friends discomfort. It was just their luck that everyone from Mikey and the professor to the Munchers were there that morning. At least it spared them the hassle of having to go over it again and again. Anyway, the look on Mel’s face would make Brian happy for months to come. Debbie brought over the coffee, and from the way she was hovering over the table, the boys could tell that she was ready to explode. Brian began a silent countdown in his head. Five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . . one . . .

“It seems we’re all out of mind your own business.” Debbie was right on schedule. “But we can substitute it for some what the hell is going on? I think we can all agree that it’s nothing short of a miracle that I kept my mouth shut this long, so spill.”

“Brian and I are going to try again.” Justin said removing himself from Brian’s lap and pulling up a chair. “We’re happy, we know what we’re doing and that’s all you need to know.”

“Yeah, what he said.” Brian seconded, proud of the way his young lover had handled it so simply. They shared a secret smile that wasn’t lost on anyone there.

“It’s so romantic.” Emmett sniffled, reaching for the napkins. “I just knew there would be a happy ending.”

Does everything have to be a fairy tale with you Em?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow.

“This is better than a fairy tale. I’m so happy for you.” He reached across the table and squeezed Justin’s hand. Brian cleared his throat forcefully and Emmett withdrew. “I almost forgot, hands off.”

Ever since the pair had entered the diner, Gus had been squirming in his high chair. All thought of finishing his breakfast had vanished at the sight of his two favorite grown ups. Lindsay finally gave up trying to coax him into eating a few more bites and handed him over. Much to Brian’s dismay, the little boy immediately put his syrup covered hands on his dad’s clean shirt.

“Dada!” Gus chirped happily.

“Hey there messy boy.”

“Jusin here.”

“I know.”

“Hi Jusin.” The toddler leaned over to give Justin his very own sticky hug and kiss. The little boy then turned to his father and looked up at him with those big hazel eyes. “Dada you happy now? Jusin here.”

“You little traitor.” Brian whispered affectionately, the slightest hint of a blush coloring his cheeks. “That was supposed to be our secret.”

This exchange was greeted by a peal of laughter from the other occupants of the table causing Brian’s expression to change to a scowl and an icy cold look. At seeing the change in his father, Gus’ face took on a matching scowl which only served to make the grown ups laugh harder. Even his father had to join in when he saw the familiar intense look on his son’s face. The toddler pounded his small fists on the table.

“Dada be happy. Kiss Jusin.”

“Well, look at that. Even Gus knows that you’re happiest when you’re kissing Justin.” Emmett teased. “Let’s hope he doesn’t know what else you do to Justin that makes you happy.”

“You’re pretty smart Sonny Boy.” Brian said, ruffling the boy’s hair and ignoring Emmett.

“Kiss Jusin.” The boy demanded again, this time with more force. So Brian leaned over and did just that.


	24. I Won't Send Roses

Brian slid the door to the loft open after a long hard day at work. He was tired and more than a little bit cranky, but all of that melted away at the sight of his lover preparing dinner in the kitchen.

“Hey.” Justin said, flashing Brian one of his brightest smiles that still had the ability to make the man weak in the knees.

“Hey.” Brian replied as he hung up his coat. He lingered by the door, taking the opportunity to just watch his beautiful baby. It still amazed him that this incredible person could put up with all his shit and love him the way Justin did, and every day he was thankful for it. Justin continued to take his breath away on a regular basis.

Although they hadn’t said anything, thanks to Brian and Justin’s request, Brian had a feeling that at first their friends did not believe that the relationship would last, or at least it would be highly dramatic, but they had been proven wrong. Of course it wasn’t always easy going. They had their arguments, but they were few and generally minor. Besides, once it was over they had an excuse to engage in some fabulous make-up sex. Brian had changed a lot. He was calmer, more at ease, ready to believe that he could be happy, and more open to the idea that he deserved to be. While it was still hard for Brian to open up to most people he was able to trust Justin fully and the pair became closer than ever before. This time it was about so much more.

It had taken six long and sometimes excruciatingly frustrating months to get Justin to officially move back into the loft. He spent a great deal of his time there anyway, but he insisted on keeping his room at Debbie’s and spending at least a couple nights a week there. Those nights were tortuous for Brian who found it difficult to sleep without the teen’s warm body pressed to him. Plus there was no one to help him take care of his morning hard on, a point he made frequently to Justin who cruelly ignored him. After going over the issue over and over again, Brian decided that they had done enough talking and it was time for action. He arrived at Debbie’s with a stack of boxes and just started packing things up. He explained to Justin that he was doing it because he didn’t want any more panicked phone calls from him in the middle of the night on the evenings when Carl slept over that “they were doing it again”. Brian was of the opinion that an impressionable young mind shouldn’t be subjected to such indecencies, especially in a house with paper thin walls. Of course his reasoning was only half true, but Justin went along with it anyway and Brian was able to sleep again.

Brian had been serious when he told Justin that he didn’t know if he could be monogamous, but as had happened with so many of his rules, that went out the window. He found himself tricking less and less, especially after Justin moved back in. Even before that, no more tricks graced his apartment. He didn’t need anyone else when he had Justin waiting for him and it had been over six months since he had been with anyone else, almost that long since he had even thought about it. No one else could make him feel the way Justin did. No one else knew exactly what drove him wild. So Brian discovered that monogamy wasn’t so bad after all. In fact, he wouldn’t have it any other way. Tearing himself out of the memories, Brian crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Justin’s slim waist. While nibbling lightly on his ear, Brian unzipped the man’s pants and began stroking him.

“What are you doing?” Justin set down his knife, suddenly finding it difficult to concentrate on cutting vegetable.

“If you don’t know what I’m doing then we’re in big trouble.” Brian purred.

“And if you don’t let go of my cock I’ll never be able to finish dinner.” Never the less he rubbed himself against Brian’s hand.

“Fuck dinner.”

“I was thinking dinner then fuck. You’ve got to keep your strength up old man.” Justin replied, squirming as he was pinched for daring to make an age crack.

“You should be spanked for that little boy.”

“I hope that’s a promise.” Justin turned around in his lover’s embrace so that he could get a proper kiss.

“Smart ass.”

“You love my ass.” The younger man returned to fixing dinner, Brian still wrapped around him.

“Have I told you lately that you’re beautiful and I love you?”

“I seem to remember hearing something like that this morning, and when you called at lunch, and I think half of Pittsburgh heard it when you were screaming it last night.”

“How could I help it with someone as sexy as you fucking me?”

“You know, for someone who doesn’t believe in being romantic you do an awfully good job of it.”

“I’m not being romantic. I’m just being honest.”

“I see.” A mixture of happiness and disbelief was evident in his voice. “Now will you set the table so we can eat and move on to more important things?”

“Sure baby, but one question first.”

“What is it?”

“Will you marry me?”


End file.
